Best customer treatment

Between the husband’s keyboard building/collecting and the oldest child’s woodcraft hobby, the mail carrier totes packages to our door every week. Last week, the mail carrier told the youngest child that we are his best customer. The child and his father found that much funnier than I did. The youngest child expected his new school […]

you might be old if

“This is my favorite light setting. When I die in my sleep, change the setting to this so I look my best for the coroner.” “Yes, dear.” “Also, wipe the drool off my face before they get here to collect me.” “Whatever you say.” “Are you listening to me?” “Mmhmm. I’ll do that.”

weaponized pits

“Did you use deodorant?” “No, but last night I used enough to last all week.” “It really doesn’t work like that. You put deodorant on every morning like it’s your armour. Only instead of it protecting you, it saves the rest of the family from the stink bullets that shoot out of your armpits.” “Ewww. […]

playing with cameras

She: “Don’t step in front of the camera if you are going to run around the house like that.” Ten minutes later, child dancing in underwear has no memory of the camera conversation. She: “Don’t forget the camera.” He: “If I don’t care about open windows, why would I care about our cameras?” I can’t […]

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

The Guardians sequel is lighter and sillier than its’ predecessor. The cold, sharpness of the film’s antagonist is softened like metaphorical vaseline on a camera lens. Everyone on the screen seems to be having fun and that mood was reflected by the audience. Nobody exiting the theater was fruitlessly trying to explain to a companion […]

think like a middle schooler

Dad: “Siege towers sound like fun.” Mom: “He has an after school activity every single day next week and I don’t know when we’ll have time to do the written report OR the model. Hadrian’s Wall or an aqueduct seem easiest to build.” Child: “Let’s do a bathhouse! They’re not bathrooms. They’re swimming pools.” Mom […]

He vs She: Sick days

Day One He: Takes to the bed at the first sign of illness and sleeps for 24 hours. She: Drags herself to the nearest sitting spot. Stares blankly into the distance. Mumbles that this is bs and she doesn’t have time for it. Gets up and drags herself to the next spot that may or […]

hot mess express

The back of my brain tickled at having the time to do a load of laundry and dishes between the children’s taxi deliveries and pickups, but I ignored it. I clinked the stack of plates like some parody of a functional housewife as my phone hummed a familiar melody and I realized my crime. It […]

somniloquy

“One of the gloves is spinning too fast. I hear it clicking.” “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I think you’re asleep.” “I’m not talking. It’s the gloves.” Either my child is a spy and I don’t understand her secret code or she’s experiencing Color Guard withdrawal. I’m going with spy. Spying is the new […]