Having to go to bed when it is still light outside and the weather is flawless? Cruel. I know because my 5-year-old has to complain about it every single night. “Can I stay up till dark when it’s summer?”

Being unable to enjoy the aforementioned weather because allergies make your eyes bleed and your brain melt? Cruel. Although the children ignore their misery up to a point, I sit in the house with my face mashed up against the window like I’m looking into a candy store. Did our ancestors have allergies or are we just a generation of whiners? “No mammoth tonight. Throat feel tickly.”

I am not a wrestling fan. I grew up in Memphis at a time when Jerry Lawler was the biggest celebrity in town and his antics were all anyone could talk about. I was the uncool kid who refused to watch wrestling on tv while my peers were in the studio audience every Saturday morning. The only thing less interesting to me than wrestling is mud wrestling. I suspect you are wrestling in something more disgusting than mud, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. When you climb out of the filth and start talking about things that matter, you will recapture my attention. Even better, why don’t you stop talking and start doing? Your behavior is completely unbecoming right now. I have too much going on in my life to waste time on your antics.

Cathy

Doug gets an earlobe to earlobe grin on his face and proudly announces that “Tommy is about to graduate and he is going to LMU,” whenever we see people we know in the off-line world. I wear the smile of an exhausted warrior and with tear-filled eyes, calmly say, “Tommy is going to graduate in three weeks with a real diploma.” If pushed for more information, I whisper that Tommy wants to attend LMU in the fall. Several years ago, when things were particularly difficult and I was in a very dark place emotionally, I took a psychological inventory. I decided that at the very moment in time, things were not terrible. In fact, they were much better than they could be. That became my bar and every step forward or upward was unexpected progress. A bonus gift. In the past two years, that “this is as good as it gets” attitude has made life feel like one giant celebration.

Graduation is so real now that we can all taste it. All of Tommy’s teachers have commented on his severe case of ’senior-itis’ that has him slacking. After a lifetime of struggle, Tommy deserves to relax and enjoy. He was never invited to other children’s houses or parties. He had to earn the privileges that other children are given automatically. He had to learn the things which others intuitively know. Graduating from high school is a milestone that a large number of his Aspie peers couldn’t reach. We need a partyathon to celebrate. Instead, I am frozen like a deer in the headlights of the new start line that is post high school.

The very few peers that have graduated and are attempting college are in way, way over their heads. Teenagers are expected to turn 18, graduate high school and venture out on their own. Aspies are so emotionally immature that this expectation is completely unrealistic. I feel like we setting Tommy up for failure by even considering sending him away to college. At the same time, there really are not a lot of other options. This is what Tommy wants. Maybe it’s just a one semester experiment. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I am already planning a farrier apprenticeship for Tommy to try next. Not because I want to predetermine his failure at college, but because I am afraid. I am afraid of Tommy getting hurt. I am afraid of Tommy giving up. I am afraid of what happens next. So, I fall back into the survival mode of Tommy’s childhood. Trying everything, but always prepared to move on to something new instead of wallowing in each failure. When (not if) Tommy succeeds, it will be a gift. An unexpected triumph that we will celebrate.

Are you SURE it’s worse to use paper plates than to use hot water and soap to wash all the dishes and silverware after every meal? Is there such a thing as disposable pots and pans? Would it really be so awful to have disposable clothing instead of using hot water, electricity, soap and fabric softener multiple times a day? Are real environmentalists extremely dirty or do they just spend all their time cleaning and re-using?

The ACT test is packed with annoying problems about trains like this one:
Train A travels at 90 miles per hour and covers 360 miles. Train B covers the same distance but travels at 60 miles per hour. How much longer does it take Train B than Train A to cover that distance?

If moms wrote the ACT, it would have problems like this:
1. The tiny water heater produces enough hot water to fill the tub 5 inches deep. It takes 20 minutes for the water heater to heat more water. How long will it take for 7 people to bathe?
2. The water heater produces enough hot water to hand wash two full sinks of dishes. How much time will it take to wash 5 sinks of dishes each day?
3. Using the results of problem number one and number two, how many loads of laundry can be washed in one day if it takes all of the hot water for a single load of laundry?

Aside from outfitting everyone in something other than jeans and t-shirts for the graduation ceremony, I am making lists of things Tommy will need to take to college in a few months. My list says that Tommy needs new: undies, socks, jammies, sneakers, boots and shower shoes. I asked Tommy what he thinks he’ll need for school and his list asks for a new: iPod, laptop, headphones, a dozen shirts from Think Geek, boots and iTunes credit. The only thing he’s getting off of his list is the item that is on both of our lists. Vet Techs do not need personal electronics. They do need rabies shots. Guess what Tommy is getting this summer?

Two of my children came home from school this week waving color flyers for a Baptist celebrity’s revival. I glanced at the papers and put them aside. The event has been heavily advertised on television, on billboards and at churches. I don’t care what kind of flyers are distributed through the schools. Okay, I would not like to see anything that it is illegal for students to do advertised to students. Otherwise, I am fine with the karate classes, sports teams, vacation bible school and big church event flyers that are sent home each week. When my children told me that they were taken out of classes to watch a skateboarder and a stunt biker while hearing about the great event they should attend to win prizes, I was NOT amused. I sat on it for a day as my husband always requests when I get myself worked up about something and I am still unhappy.

I don’t care what religious or secular events occur in the school building before or after school hours. There should be ZERO religious or advertising events during school hours. No matter what their personal beliefs are, I truly believe that school administrators are capable of understanding when they are crossing the line. They CHOSE to cross the line this time. This was marketing for a specific religious event and nothing more. Schools are locked and monitored buildings. Parents can’t just show up and hang out in the classroom. Anything or anyone that is a distraction is not allowed in the building. Teachers complain endlessly about the lack of time they have to teach because of standardized testing. If we have so much free time that we can subject our children to infomercials, why don’t we spend that time on something that pertains to education? The children need a well deserved break from academics? The school has its’ own music, art and athletic programs. Showcase those.

This program will be defended on the grounds that anyone who is opposed to it is an atheist or criminal. No. I am opposed on the grounds of separation of church and state. I am opposed because it is a poor use of the precious school hours. I am opposed because this is marketing and not education. The only schools that should advertise this during classes are the PRIVATE, church-based schools. I attended one of these schools. This kind of event was a regular occurrence at my old school. I am not against the event, I am angry that my public school system used cloudy judgment.

I don’t want to spoil it if you have a real life and haven’t seen last night’s episode yet. I do think that we’ve moved into high speed. We’ve gone from a revelation every few weeks to multiple, big revelations an episode. We’ve gotten so fast that characters die and nobody has time to blink before more characters die. I have a new and improved theory about the show, but I stuck it on my death watch page to keep it away from eyes that avoid theories and spoilers. I have just one question that is a spoiler. How complicated does the plot have to be for secret rooms to have secret rooms?

Tonight, we are going to finish part of a book report, write three black belt essays, practice a bow staff routine, create a utility use report and study chemistry. This weekend, we are going to make a miniature medieval castle, an edible Mondrian reproduction, finish a biography report, study chemistry and turn Tommy’s paperless ecology discussions into an old fashioned print scrapbook.

Don’t tell me that homework is only for students. My 11-year-old doesn’t have the sense to choose materials or use them safely. I keep a good collection of basic craft supplies, but there is frequently some odd item that requires an adult driving somewhere in the car. I already know we’ll need to visit the local pizza place to ask politely for an unused box to transport the edible art. We made a library run today. Papers need proofing by an adult. Studying works better when you have someone quizzing you. Some children just need more help than other children.

We used to have a neighbor who refused to help her children with homework. She was so opposed to the entire concept of homework that she didn’t care if the children did it, wouldn’t get them supplies and would not alter her schedule in any way to accommodate anything related to school during her time with the children. I suspect there are other parents who passive-aggressively sabotage homework. I think the much more common problem with homework is parents who are working multiple jobs, juggling childcare, incapable of understanding the assignments and/or unable to buy any kind of supplies. I worry about those children. Do teachers fail students for their parents’ inability or unwillingness to assist with homework? Is homework a privilege or a punishment?

When Doug buys deodorant, he looks for the cheapest product on the shelf. I ran out of my deodorant and Doug offered to grab something for me while he was out. Umm, no thank you. I eliminate everything on the shelf with the words “delicate” or “light” and look for the product that claims to be strongest. “Prescription” strength makes me so happy I giggle. If they marketed a deodorant toward professional athletes, that would get my attention. I really don’t want to be stinky. Also, if the product comes in twelve different scents, I am still picking the one that smells like nothing. I am trying to avoid odors, not add them. I would buy a deodorant that smells like soap. Soap is the only thing I want to smell like. I tried embracing the normal, natural smells of a human being when I was in college. I am pretty sure that one of the reasons college students spend so much consuming alcohol is to cope with women trying to find their place in the hierarchy of feminists. I don’t want to smell like armpits, feet, oily hair, musk or pear trees. I want to smell like soap or nothing. When someone develops an experimental laser procedure to eliminate armpit odors, call me. I will be a test subject for you. I was a test subject once before. I let a clinic use me to develop their baseline statistics and the result was that I got to see without glasses. If I’m willing to let someone laser my eyes, I’m not going to hesitate to offer my armpits. It’s for the good of science.