I called my mother to ask her if she was participating in her neighborhood’s Night Out activities. She replied that she had gotten a few notes in her mailbox about it, but thought it seemed like an invitation for burglaries if everyone in the neighborhood was off having a party somewhere. Then she changed her tone and asked how I knew about it. I told her I *read it in the paper.

Everyone else in my parents’ neighborhood will be gathering tonight. My parents will be sitting on their rooftop with enough firearms and ammunition for the zombie apocalypse.

*When I say I read it in the paper, you can be 100% certain that I mean I read it on the newspaper’s website.

I really enjoyed movies and music more when celebrities kept their personal lives private. Please stop giving the stalkarazzi your schedule and pay for GOOD pr firms, body guards and drivers. If you can’t behave in public, stay home. You are taking all the fun out of spending a week’s pay to take the family to the movies.

“They’re making the newspaper smaller at the same time that the readers’ eyes are getting worse.”

Why don’t newspapers switch to large print summaries of the previous day’s news?

We’re still under a drought that has states desperate for water, food prices soaring and wildfires raging. It’s not raining. Be afraid. But, wait, it has rained this week. Rain means West Nile epidemics. It’s raining. Be afraid. Everyone panic. Or quit reading newspapers.

The newspaper booth at the Women’s Expo had a full schedule of “celebrities” greeting people at the booth. I will agree that everyone connected to UT basketball and football is a celebrity in Knoxville. The others are newspaper professionals whose names are familiar. I’m not sure that qualifies as celebrity.

Critics are really just the go-to guys for free publicity. It is very cool that they get to talk to actors and actresses, but they are delusional if they think the people who are only using them to feed their giant egos are their friends. While paparazzi have already changed the way celebrities stay in the spotlight, I would like to dream of a day when people will stop encouraging the celebri-stalkers. The future of free publicity is the Internet. Fans are going to replace critics. Everyone with a blog already sings the praises of their favorite television shows. Movies reviews are on everyone’s blog. Firefly was just a television show that most people missed until fans campaigned it into a movie and unexpected dvd sales. Critics are not celebrities. “For a critic that first step is the first printed joke. It gets a laugh and a whole new world opens up. He makes another joke, and another. And then one day along comes a joke that shouldn’t be made because the show he’s reviewing is a good show. But, as it so happens, it’s a good joke. And you know what? The joke wins.”

Newspaper photographers should be considered artists and historians, not celebrities. When I pulled out my cell phone to snap a blurry shot of the newspaper professionals talking shop, Miles Carey made the first of the two serious faces* he made that day. “Why don’t you use a real camera?” I answered it the way people say “fine” when asked how they are doing. “It’s at home.” The truth is that my camera no longer takes indoor pictures. He didn’t need to hear that. I also didn’t tell him how much I wanted to drool over the camera he never removed from its’ case. I certainly didn’t mean to insult him with my tacky little cell phone camera. It will never be a threat to what he does. The young photographer with the very expensive digital camera and heavy lens might be, but that’s because he is capable of being an equal to Mr.Carey after he gains more experience. Mr. Carey teased the young photographer for his “paparazzi” equipment. The future of the press is in digital photography. Mr. Carey’s real cameras are artists’ tools and are already respected and valued for their quality. Mr. Carey doesn’t have an artist’s temperament though. He is the kind of person you want at every family gathering and party. Charming, funny and entertaining, he’s better than a celebrity. “Photography, as a powerful medium of expression and communications, offers an infinite variety of perception, interpretation and execution.”

*The second serious face was when I answered the “do you subscribe to the paper” question with an honest answer.

I stood at the Knoxville News Sentinel booth yesterday and listened. I listened to the newspaper professionals and I listened to the women at the expo. I did speak a few times to judge reactions. The reaction was that I needed to shut my mouth. Newspaper professionals don’t want to hear how much I love the Internet. The newspaper booth was the main entrance into the event and the question that was asked of almost every person who walked near was, “Do you subscribe to the paper?” If you are reading these words, I don’t have to tell you what people said because you already know the answers. Almost everyone older than me subscribes and almost everyone younger than me doesn’t.

My story is one that should be familiar to newspaper marketing departments. I grew up in a newspaper household. My parents’ day didn’t begin until they had read the paper and drank their coffee. In fact, the KNS is the reason we caught my father’s stroke early enough that he got treatment and recovered completely. I subscribed to the paper when I was in college and kept a subscription until 2001. In 2001, I was maintaining several websites, an online diary and participating fully in the Internet community. Do you remember where you were when Elvis died? When John Lennon was murdered? I do. I heard it on the radio and immediately turned on the television. I eagerly awaited the afternoon newspaper reports. We had newspapers twice a day back in the dark ages. Do you remember where you were when Princess Diana died? I do. I was sitting at my computer reading second hand reports from people connected to the hospital employees who watched history happen. I told my mother about Diana’s death a full hour before the television said anything other than that there had been an accident. After that, the world just kept getting smaller and news became a rapidly evolving phenomenon instead of the static facts that it had been in the past. Now, I get breaking news on my telephone as it happens. I have already seen the pictures on Flickr. I have heard from eye witnesses on Twitter. I have listened to witnesses telling their stories on Seesmic. I just don’t need the newspaper to do summaries of what I already know. My parents still read the newspaper every morning while they drink their coffee. My day begins after I drink my designer coffee drink and scan my feed reader.

The newspaper professionals know that things have changed. I started predicting who subscribes and who doesn’t to the advertising woman standing in the booth. She knew the data because of the “reader surveys.” Are newspapers doing “non-reader” surveys? People were very willing to share their opinions yesterday. “By the time I am able to sit and read it, it’s already old news.” I’m not a subscriber, but I do visit the newspaper’s website. I visit it to read about local news and read the comments that people make on each article. I read the editorials and the letters people have written to the newspaper. I don’t read the newspaper for news. I read it for reactions. I just don’t know how print newspapers are going to survive once the computer-phobic generation is gone.

Before tomorrow’s newspaper brings yet another story on the consequences of mistakes, let’s review:

1. Someone makes a mistake.
2. The mistake makes the local and/or national news.
3. The public judges the person before the legal system does.

This is where people get confused. You do NOT deny, lie, blame or act worse. Instead,
4. You apologize. “I made a mistake and I am sorry.”

Again, don’t go wrong here by lying, sneaking or threatening a lawsuit. Just,
5. Go on with your life.
6. Good friends, family and neighbors will forgive. They make mistakes too.

This is where the media goes wrong. Do not drag people back into the newspapers with stories of personal problems and bankruptcies. Publish stories that affect us and not voyeuristic trainwrecks.

Thank you.

The fan in Doug’s computer is dying and it sounds like a hive of giant space bees have taken over the basement. Can I go whack it with a rolled up newspaper? Oh, wait. I read the news, comics and ads online. Civilization is doomed.

Amy went bananas when she saw this in the grocery store. As I already mentioned today, I’m the meanest mother in the world, so I didn’t buy them. I do have some cartoon character stickers in the basement that I’ll happily stick on every canned good in our kitchen.

I guess the police there weren’t tweens during the KISS era of fame. Fire spewing and blood spitting were so common at my school that the teachers just rolled their eyes. You just smack the bridge of your nose with the base of your palm and . . . I wonder how many of those guys have to use a CPAP machine to breathe at night now.

Really? Give it to me then. If I can’t use it, I’ll find someone who can.

Mobs of fans, fans of mobs. I just find this article’s title funny.

When Tommy graduates next year, there WILL be a cheer. As hard as he has worked and as many times as we’ve been told he would never reach that day, even his teacher plans on cheering.

I won’t link to it, but please, for the love of all that is good in this world, stop reinforcing bad behavior by putting celebrities in the news. If they do something good or want to talk about their new movie, fine. Otherwise, walk away. Seriously.