Domestic Psychology

Aspie copycat

// February 6th, 2012 // No Comments » // aspergers, relatives

Children on the spectrum are brilliant imitators of the people around them. It’s a technique that helps them fill in the blind spots caused by Autism. It’s also one of the best reasons for mainstreaming with their NT peers.

Aspie Caveman has always had a very close relationship with his grandfather. When Tommy was very young and unable to cope with the sensory assault from his environment, his grandfather acted as some sort of constant to help reduce and recover from the meltdowns. As he matured and developed coping skills, Tommy and his grandfather became the very best of friends. After his grandfather’s CABG surgery, it became glaringly obvious that the child with Aspergers understood his grandfather as well as his grandfather understood him.

I’m not sure how long the transition has been taking place, but Aspie Caveman has now taken on the affect of his grandfather. They have the same mannerisms, expressions and physical movements. They use language the same. I may be able to replicate my father’s penmanship, but Tommy reflects the man who he is named after in every other way. My father would never spend half an hour describing the minutia of a game, but when Tommy does it, I see and hear my father. It always makes me smile.

I know with my head that the mimicry is a coping skill. In my heart, I see it as a gift.

Endlessly fascinating

// January 4th, 2012 // 1 Comment » // aspergers, sleep

Aspie Caveman has developed a 48-hour sleep schedule. He spends 32 hours awake, followed by 16 hours of hibernation.

Sometimes, I understand his thought processes and logic. This is not one of those times.

Cuts like a knife

// August 13th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // aspergers

“You need to get him declared permanently disabled.”

Monday, he will turn 21.

for Tommy’s virtual baby book

// November 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // aspergers, people

During one of my twice daily round-trips to Tommy’s school last week, the normal light-speed of the Parkway was interrupted by a car that belonged on back roads with the other people who drive terrible. After cutting me off and causing another car so much fear that they blasted their horn, the very bad driver proceeded to travel 20 miles slower than every other car on the road. Because of one car, the traffic on the Parkway went from smooth to more congested than my father’s pre-CABG arteries. Since we were going to the same destination, I was trapped behind the inexplicably awful driver. She came to a complete stop while turning to enter the campus. Traffic in both directions on the two lane road came to a screeching halt. I guess she was unhappy with the turn, because she suddenly backed up, oblivious to the the cars in her path.

“Tommy, I think she’s going to hit us.”
“I know her. She’s in my class.”
“Is she on drugs?”
“No. She’s always bossing people around and ignores people who try to talk to her.”
“Maybe she has Aspergers. It would explain her driving technique.”
“No Aspergers. Just an a**.”

This gets filed under “first use of colorful metaphors in front of mom” as well as “properly executed joke.” Although neither is included in traditional memory books, both are significant.

A week of Aspie conversations

// October 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // aspergers

Day 1: personal jet packs
Day 2: ninjas
Day 3: Lord of the Rings
Day 4: that time you bumped your knee
Day 5: flying cars
Day 6:Venture Brothers characters
Day 7: owning your own island

Each conversation should be discussed in complete detail with careful attention to the most obscure, never considered aspects. Conversations should fill every waking moment of the day, including, but not limited to, when your potential audience is going potty, talking on the phone and trying to sleep. When conversations are interrupted for short breaks, start the conversation at the beginning again. If the interruption lasts more than an hour, begin mid-sentence, mid-syllable. Your audience can’t be taken seriously when they beg you to change the topic. This is just their way of encouraging your thoughtful analysis of the day’s topic. If you forget the new day’s topic, continue the previous day’s conversation. There is always something new to say.

Doug says:

// April 24th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // aspergers

Me: “Why didn’t Tommy get the poo out of the snake’s tank?”
Doug: “I don’t think he sees it.”
Me: “It’s WHITE.”
Doug: “He can’t see it Cathy.”

I do get weary

// April 7th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // aspergers, mental health, people, school

After almost twenty years with a child who doesn’t fit the mold and that same amount of time spent advocating, I get tired. It is exhausting to constantly explain to those who don’t want to understand. It makes your bones hurt to have obstacles and insults hurled at you daily. It is draining to trudge through the sludge of hate and ignorance at anyone or anything that is different. Sometimes, I want to leave the struggle for someone else.

In a neighbor state, mobs of hateful adults are teaching their children to be intolerant and spiteful toward those who are different or dare to love the wrong person. Locally, a newspaper article about teaching positions being saved from the budget axe doesn’t result in comments rejoicing the much needed teachers. Instead, it is a festival of wrath toward special education students.

Things like this make me weary. They also remind me why I can’t stop trying.

“We are trying to construct a more inclusive society. We are going to make a country in which no one is left out.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

No Aspie label?

// February 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // aspergers

I understand some of the logic behind the elimination of an Asperger’s diagnosis. Autism is a spectrum disorder and the symptoms and severity don’t just vary from person to person. It varies over the course of a lifetime. Therapies, medications and techniques to help people on the spectrum are equally diverse and effective. A diagnosis of Autism Spectrum instead of one of several choices seems like a logical choice if you need to simplify insurance, records and explanations. This is a good choice for everyone who doesn’t want to understand the Autism Spectrum.

I always say that Tommy has Autism when I first meet someone. If they are genuinely interested in hearing more, I explain Asperger’s. If I meet someone who is in the special needs community, I start out saying Asperger’s. People in the special needs community are usually more interested in information and experiences than people who aren’t directly affected by someone who is labeled with a diagnosis or three. We know that a label doesn’t define a person and need a lot more information.

Asperger’s is more descriptive than Autism. It’s like the difference between saying dog and saying Corgi. (I’m not calling people dogs. Don’t get your undies in a twist.) If you are a Doctor or a parent, wouldn’t you want the best description available to help you narrow your focus on how to help your child? The “no diagnostic tool to differentiate between Autism and Asperger’s” seems like a problem that could be overcome. The difference is observable and should be measurable by quality and quantity of interactions versus disengagement from environment. As soon as the only diagnosis is Autism Spectrum, we return to having to constantly explain our children because they don’t fit someone’s preconceived notion of Autism.

Parents don’t prefer the diagnosis of Asperger’s because it sounds less permanent than Autism. We embrace the Autism Spectrum. We just like accuracy. Autism is accurate. Asperger’s is MORE accurate.

Aspies heart coupons

// January 4th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // aspergers, teenagers

Coupons are all the rage right now. Gone are the days that coupons were only something poor people used to save a few pennies. Now, coupons are considered smart. I think coupons are groovy, but I am not a member of the coupon cult. First, I am capable of buying something without a coupon. I am sorry if it’s wasteful, but if I had to wait for a coupon to have fresh fruits in the house, we would all have scurvy. Second, no matter how great the deal is, I’m not buying things we don’t need. I recognize that we could have stockpiles of disposable razors, diapers and diet foods, but even if it’s free, we don’t NEED them.

“Look at this great ___ coupon!”
“Umm, you don’t need ___.”
“But it’s a dollar off.”
“You can save ten dollars if you don’t buy ___.”
“No. We waste a dollar if we don’t use this coupon.”

This conversation can go on forever with no progress. I believe in choosing your battles and I accept that the world is different through the eyes of Aspergers. I just find this particular battle like nails on a chalkboard. Either the Aspies in my life need to learn to say no to a coupon or I need to be assimilated by the coupon Borg. Neither of us is giving up without endlessly ridiculous conversations that promise to annoy everyone around us.

“You did WHAT?”
“We drove through the drive-thru window several times because they only allowed one coupon per visit.”
“That’s not multiple visits. You never left the property.”
“No. We followed the rules. They made us quit though.”
“You got kicked out of a fast food drive-thru?”
“I guess so.”
“Weren’t you embarrassed?”
“Why? What was embarrassing about that?”

running into a wall

// October 28th, 2009 // No Comments » // aspergers, parenting, school

While I don’t question that Tommy was ready to leave high school when he graduated, I am now firmly convinced that he needed something after graduation and before any attempts at college. He needed a year of being taught “how” to be a student. Because of the Asperger lenses that filter his view of life, Tommy thinks that just showing up for class is enough. It worked in high school. He has forgotten the teacher and aide who constantly hovered over him and nudged him about doing assignments. He has forgotten his family sitting at the table with him for hours and hours to get projects completed. All he remembers is showing up for class and absorbing enough to stumble his way through tests.

He can’t keep track of assignments and due dates. He misses small details in class discussions that turn out to be vitally important. He doesn’t feel an urgency to get assignments completed. He doesn’t feel any urgency at all. He just shows up. There is no drive, no interest and no connection. What he lacks in motivation, he makes up for in anxiety. The blank disinterest in exhibiting any desire to do well doesn’t begin to hide the stress and misery he is experiencing. My pushing him to try harder is part of his misery.

Other Aspie parents have already experienced this. Some reacted by deciding to take one single college class a semester until they find success. Some reacted by putting college aside and focusing on employment. Some reacted by going on a quest to find the special interest that sparks a fire inside their child. We all want the same thing. We want our extremely bright children to be happy, functional adults. Unfortunately, that which makes them happy, hinders their opportunities to be successful.

I don’t want to keep fighting college with a child who is content with C’s and hope that something will eventually interest him enough to ignite his engines. I am equally unwilling to let him settle in at his current level of immaturity. Sometimes, it all feels pointless. After I am gone, nobody will push him to step out of his comfort zone and interact with the world. So, I search. I search for a new path. The longer I stand still, the deeper I sink into a hole that will slow down Tommy’s journey. Now, how do we get past this brick wall?