Domestic Psychology

The other story

// January 4th, 2012 // No Comments » // children, garden

A few weeks ago, the stump of a tree we had removed became home to a colony of mushrooms. The mushrooms were so large and numerous that an entire race of hookah smoking caterpillars could have been living in our front yard. As tempting as it was to touch the velvet-like tops and the lace-like undersides, I asked the children not to touch the mushrooms.

Then, Doug aerated the yard. The mushrooms were sliced, chopped, grated, and scattered in every direction. It was simultaneously sad and silly. I made a mental note to expect a new crop of mushrooms in the spring.

While cleaning the Christmas explosion, I opened a small metal lunchbox in the 9-y-o’s room and found it filled with the mechanically chopped mushroom bits. I have difficulty embracing my children’s need to collect things that do not belong indoors. I closed the lid on the box and decided to ignore the mushrooms for a day before discussing their future with the 9-y-o.

Several days later, the 9-y-o approached me with the box in her hands and a sour expression on her face. The mushrooms that I had forgotten were now in pools of foul smelling liquid.

“I don’t think I want to collect mushrooms any more.”

I learned something, too. Sometimes, procrastination solves the problem.

Just keep swinging.

// January 1st, 2012 // No Comments » // children, flickr

Girls v Boys – Stomach Bug

// November 29th, 2011 // No Comments » // children, health

Girls –
At the first hint of digestive difficulties, girls stop eating to avoid vomit. They would rather sleep on the bathroom floor than have an accident in their bedroom. Girls will quietly play or watch a cartoon between naps. The first sign of recovery is the girl changing from pitiful to cranky. Even when they feel better, girls have to be enticed to start eating again.

Boys -
Boys never stop eating. They don’t care if they just puked. They still want to keep eating. When that food gets rejected, boys just explode like a volcano with little or no attempt made to get to the bathroom. Boys won’t settle down for a nap, they just crumble in a heap on the floor for a few minutes before bouncing back up again. At the first hint of recovery, boys will eat the entire contents of the fridge.

It fit yesterday

// November 9th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // children, clothing

There has been some unauthorized growing by the children. Not one of them filled out the proper paperwork declaring their intent to have growth spurts. They completely disregarded the two weeks notice rule. Since the penalties for unauthorized growth are getting to wear shorts in the winter, the children don’t really take seriously my need to know that nothing in their closet fits more than five minutes before the school bus arrives in the morning.

Neither boy teen nor the 6-y-o are willing to go shopping for their new clothing. They are also disinterested in trying on the clothing that I buy and bring home. I am occasionally able to convince them to try on one thing for size, but usually they become oddly philosophical at my request. “Why? Why do I need to ‘try’ it? Can’t I just wear it? Does it matter?” Shopping for the boys is a guessing game with only one guess and the winner gets children in jeans that fit while the loser has sons happily running all over town looking like scarecrows.

Is there some crossover version of Wii Fit and Sims that could size children correctly for clothing while they are hopping around killing zombies, racing cars shooting things?

rocks in the pocket

// August 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // children

Last year, I was constantly digging rocks out of the smallest child’s pockets, the washing machine and the dryer. Then, summer arrived and although said child spent large parts of each day outside, there were no rocks in my laundry. School began two weeks ago and the rocks have returned. I am perplexed by the connection between school and rocks in the pocket. I have tried to formulate a hypothesis.

Psychology Hypothesis: The playground is the pinnacle of fun and keeping a bit of playground in your pocket allows the illusion that the playground is wherever the child is and not a fixed geographic location on the school property that is only allowed for twenty minutes a school day.

Monetary hypothesis: The school is a prison environment and valuable commodities like a lunch dessert, pencil with some remaining eraser and choice of best friend for the moment are bought and sold using cigarettes rocks as currency.

Gravitational hypothesis: Very small children enter school and are reminded of basic science information like, gravity. Aware of their size and weight, children fill their pockets with pieces of the Earth in an effort to avoid floating up to the ceiling that is heavily spiked with dangerous pencils.

Worksheet hypothesis: Faced with the prospect of another day trapped in a chair, filling in the circles on TCAP practice tests, children keep rocks in their pockets to roll between fingers, stare at and imagine as spaceships whenever the teacher is too busy grading the mountains of multiple choice worksheets to notice what the students are doing.

I don’t think I’ve formulated a hypothesis worthy of further exploration. Yet.

They never fall for this

// July 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // children, clothing

“Yes, it used to be <- insert name of older sibling here ->‘s, but this is a gender neutral <- insert article of clothing here ->. You’ll look fine.”

giggles and guffaws

// July 16th, 2011 // No Comments » // children, parenting

You know that absolutely amazing feeling that you have the first time your baby laughs? No matter how old your children are, hearing them laugh never ceases to make you feel… wonderful.

Packing for camp

// July 14th, 2011 // No Comments » // children

The aisles at the big, red, bullseye store might be decorated for back-to-school, but the shopping carts revealed that there was a lot of summer camp purchasing happening. Two women in the soap/body wash aisle discussed the quantity of body wash their children would need at camp. “If they shower after every swim, they’ll need two bottles of body wash.” “They’re gonna need lotion so their skin isn’t dry from all that bathing.” I did the smile nod as I grabbed the smallest bottle of hair and body wash.

A woman in the boys’ department carefully picked out an assortment of shorts and shirts that would have had matching Garanimal tags, if that still existed. I stepped across the aisle and tossed a pair of small men’s swim trunks in my basket.

On my way to the checkout, I grabbed a box of ziploc bags as a grandmother gently put half a dozen refillable water bottles on the new pillow, blanket and matching towels in her cart.

Both of the shoppers in front of me at the check-out had large rolling suitcases balanced delicately on the top of their piles of summer camp supplies. The woman directly in front of me added almost $350 at the big, red, bullseye store to the cost of sending her child to summer camp for a week.

After years of summer camp, I have learned a few things.
1. Instead of luggage, use storage buckets with lids and stow them under camp cots.
2. Pack clothing and other fabric items in ziploc bags. At the end of camp, unused clothing will be clean, dry and still inside the bag.
3. Most children will wear swimsuits and t-shirts all day, every day. Some children will wear the SAME suit and shirt the entire week.
4. Unless the camp counselors are extraordinary, your children will consider swimming a suitable substitute for bathing, even if they were swimming in a lake.
5. Children will also fail to properly use sunscreen and bug spray. Combined with poor hygiene while at camp, you should go ahead and schedule an appointment with the pediatrician the day after camp is over for infected bug bite treatment.
6. Don’t send anything to camp that you aren’t willing to never see again. I once had a child return without a single item because a freak storm blew everything into the abyss.
7. Every moment that you spend worrying and fretting about your child’s safety, your child is having a wonderful time being dirty, stinky, loud and silly. You’ll worry anyway.

Jeep Hair

// July 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // children, flickr

Dancing Evan

// June 26th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // children, flickr