He: “I have one day available before Thanksgiving company arrives. What would you like me to focus on getting done?” She: “The bathroom and kitchen need scrubbing. I’d like a driver for the grocery shopping so I don’t have to deal with the chaos of the grocery store parking lot.” He: “I was thinking of […]
“This is my favorite light setting. When I die in my sleep, change the setting to this so I look my best for the coroner.” “Yes, dear.” “Also, wipe the drool off my face before they get here to collect me.” “Whatever you say.” “Are you listening to me?” “Mmhmm. I’ll do that.”
Day One He: Takes to the bed at the first sign of illness and sleeps for 24 hours. She: Drags herself to the nearest sitting spot. Stares blankly into the distance. Mumbles that this is bs and she doesn’t have time for it. Gets up and drags herself to the next spot that may or […]
“I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. When Alexa is on, the Silhouette cuts rhomboid. Listen to music with your headphones for the next hour.” “What do you think of this? Should it have a different design? Is the color wrong? Is this a good size?” “What is it?” “Nevermind. If you don’t understand […]
He: “Why are you frowning?” She: “I fell down the driveway and borked my knee.” What she wanted him to say: Sorry about your knee. What he said instead: “Do you want me to see if they can put better soles on your shoes?” How she responded: “I’d like them dropped in an active volcano.” […]
He: “That’s two.” She: “He’s a serial killer.” He: “Gotta catch ’em all.” She: “He killed Pikachu!”
She: “I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally low and I had to people for like seven and a half hours today.” He: “Can I get you a therapist?”
She: “What station are you playing now?” He: “One of the Amazon Prime country stations.” She: “The Outlaws are not country. They’re Southern Rock.” He: “It’s a country station.” She: “They are wrong.” She: “I think we had a raccoon or skunk in the yard last night.” He: “Definitely not dog or cat.” She: “Or […]
“Noah says that I should ask you what happened to all the matches.” “I can tell by the smile on your face that he told on me.” “He said you put an entire box of matches in the wood stove.” “The fire wouldn’t start. I got annoyed and scattered matches to see if it helped […]
“How about putting it in a tortilla with sour cream and cheese?” “We can mix it with egg noodles and cheese.” “What kind of cheese pairs best with it?” “I don’t think it matters. Use the kind we put on tacos.” “There’s no cheese in the fridge. If we have to visit the grocery anyway, […]