It COULD have been a Brown Recluse

A few weeks ago, Doug was in California for a week of training. Without Doug’s tech humming and his cacophony of body noises, our bedroom is eerily quiet at night. As I sat in bed wasting time on a game instead of doing something useful, I heard a bug hum. I wasn’t sure if it […]

Eagerly awaiting my intervention

“Today at school, I had to put together a presentation on my family. So, I copied a bunch of pictures from everyone’s Instagram and Twitter accounts. For you, I found a picture of you standing in the snow, in your robe.”

snow day survival

It is day three of the harrowing experience known as snow days. Schools are closed. Businesses have barricaded their doors to prevent french toast looters. The outdoors is quiet and magical. Indoor volume is rapidly approaching hearing damage level. The house reeks of burnt popcorn. The kitchen trash is piled too high to close the […]

How to identify me

Let’s say you’re at one of Knox County’s many public *schools, the big red bullseye store, a grocery store or a coffee shop and you think you see that person who is everywhere on the Internet, but aren’t sure since she’s too old to use her face as her avatar. Here are clues to look […]

old, but…

Me: “While you’re in the hotel arcade, mom and dad are going to take a nap.” Starving Artist: “I don’t believe you.”

the elves run free

Everyone should have seen it coming. The complaints were getting louder and the glares were lasting longer. Still, when it finally happened, there was a collective gasp. The pause in breathing fueled the black hole in the room. The black hole was created by the quiet stillness of horror at the realization that she had […]

In an alternate timeline

A TN housewife with an expensive caffeine habit was brought in for questioning after TSA found the woman driving aimlessly on an airport runway. The woman insisted that there HAD to be a real coffee shop nearby. Charges will be filed based on the results of her psych evaluation.

Dear Doug,

It’s been a few years since I left you to solo parent, so here are a few things to remember while I’m away for the weekend. Boogie wipes are not an acceptable alternative to bathing. The children require food more than once a day. If SuperTween’s outfit causes you to raise an eyebrow, make her […]

Food chain pest control

“Hello? Do you rent animals? Only for parties? Okay. Let’s call it an all week, no guest party. I need a hungry anteater. Do you have a house broken anteater? Oh, that’s okay. I’ll only need one anteater then. Do you have any de-glanded skunks? Great! I would like two, please. How about bats? Bummer. […]