Night games

Blanket-no-Blanket Every time the outside temperature drops a degree, ask for another blanket. Fall asleep under every blanket you own. In the middle of the night, start kicking at the excessive pile of blankets. Continue until all blankets are on the floor. Spend the next day washing every blanket you own. Repeat nightly. Imaginary Sleep […]

moving my cheese

I had to drive StacheMan to the Grands so that he could housesit for them. Driving to the Grands is something that I do on auto pilot. The same goes for the children’s schools, the grocery and the bullseye store. Routine routes are stressless. I sang to the songs on the radio while StacheMan monologued […]

timing is everything

Me: “I’m going out to run errands. Need anything?” Family: “Nope.” I text home two hours later. “Heading home unless anyone needs something.” Text from child: “Nobody needs anything.” I come home, unload groceries and sit down to remove my shoes and read email. An hour later, I remove my bra and spend half an […]

tragicomedy

The older he gets, the more familiar my father becomes with death. Last breaths at hospital bedsides, holding the hand of a neighbor internally hemorrhaging on the curb, waiting with a friend for professionals to remove their spouse from the home and endlessly facing his own mortality is my father’s life. Every time death happens, […]

Dear Little River tubers,

I would like to apologize to everyone who was forever traumatized by the sight of me flipping backwards from my tube yesterday. Actually, the pasty white, overweight, middle aged lady flipping was probably hilarious to watch. The horrible sight of me standing up afterwards, however, almost certainly made you drop your ziploc baggies of cigarettes, […]

Graduation: The Sitcom

Baccalaureate episode: Mom, Tween and Graduating Teen raced off to the store to buy a replacement for Graduating Teen’s conveniently “missing” tie and a black slip for the Mom who could never remember that her only slip was white until she was in the process of getting dressed. Mom and Graduating Teen met at the […]

beware the mom spit

Like many people, I talk with my hands. They wave and flap and do a bit of pidgin, but they are not still when I talk. If you sit near me, I promise that I don’t have cooties and you will not melt when I bump you with my wildly flailing arms. If I sit […]

It COULD have been a Brown Recluse

A few weeks ago, Doug was in California for a week of training. Without Doug’s tech humming and his cacophony of body noises, our bedroom is eerily quiet at night. As I sat in bed wasting time on a game instead of doing something useful, I heard a bug hum. I wasn’t sure if it […]

Eagerly awaiting my intervention

“Today at school, I had to put together a presentation on my family. So, I copied a bunch of pictures from everyone’s Instagram and Twitter accounts. For you, I found a picture of you standing in the snow, in your robe.”

snow day survival

It is day three of the harrowing experience known as snow days. Schools are closed. Businesses have barricaded their doors to prevent french toast looters. The outdoors is quiet and magical. Indoor volume is rapidly approaching hearing damage level. The house reeks of burnt popcorn. The kitchen trash is piled too high to close the […]