Domestic Psychology

DC games

// November 3rd, 2010 // No Comments » // humor, people

There’s a common rule that you can use humor when it’s your life, but not when it’s someone else’s life.  For example, I am allowed to laugh at the absurd moments that Autism creates in our home.  As my family member on the spectrum matures, I relax and appreciate the moments that would have caused me stress and anxiety years earlier.  I can’t joke about life in a busy city, but the people who live in DC certainly can and do laugh about it.  A DC resident created the following two games for visitors and I am just recording them as a memory nudge for the future me.  

The first game is ‘Diplomat or Crazy Person?’  The rules are obvious.  Guess the reason for odd behaviors.  Car parked on the sidewalk?  Probably a crazy person.  Shouting on an elevator?  Diplomat.  I’m sure the game could be altered to work in TN.  The second game is ‘Dress like a Street Person’.  Like the first game, this sounds offensive, but is actually just claiming various pieces of clothing abandoned on the street until you have a complete outfit.  On the way home from one lunch in DC, I claimed a sock, jeans and a flip-flop.  If your streets don’t have mysterious clothing items scattered about, you can play this game at any lost and found in your city.  For example, it’s the third day of the month and the elementary school’s lost and found already has shoes, shirts, coats and a pair of pants.  

Because of the timing of our visit, I made my own game.  It can be played anywhere.  It’s called, ‘Costume or Clothing?’  It’s more difficult when Halloween falls on a weekend and people dress up for several days.  Is he a hipster or is that a costume?  Is she wearing her work clothes or is she just dressed up like a professional escort?  One can only guess. 

like an amateur haunted house

// June 30th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // humor, me

Ka-chunk-a-chunk-a-clank.

The disposal makes a distinctive sound when there’s something stuck inside, but the sounds aren’t distinctive enough to identify the obstruction. It could be a harmless sippy cup valve. It could be a sharp bone fragment. It could be a brown recluse. Regardless of what is in there, the only way to retrieve it is to stick your hand in past your wrist and feel around in the darkness.

I checked the switch to make sure there was no chance of the horror movie gears grinding my fingers to nubs. I held my breath and reached down until I felt metal. I began fumbling around the blades to find the source of the problem and then . . . I felt something. It was hard and sharp, but flexible. I gritted my teeth and picked up what I was sure would be a bug. As soon as my eyes made contact with it, I knew I would reflexively fling it far, far away. It still had to come out of the disposal. With every muscle in my body tensed so tight I could have touched the ceiling if anyone had walked in and startled me, I pulled out my hand. Staring anxiously, my fingers emerged and I saw black legs and they were attached to a black body and as I heard my scream escaping, I saw the plastic ring attached to the toy spider. I stopped screaming.

My heart racing, I double checked to confirm that I was holding a spider ring. Then, I looked around to see if anyone had come to rescue the screaming woman. The sounds of children playing in the next room reassured me that my stupidity had gone unnoticed. I finally exhaled. The offending ring was punished for its’ crime with banishment to the trash. I paused, picked it up again and put it in the plastic recycling. I walked to the couch to calm myself. Evan didn’t even look up from his Lego Batman game. “Why did you scream mom?”

Friday afternoon press release

// June 18th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // humor, politics

This summer’s heat has been made increasingly intolerable by the presence of an outrageous quantity of mosquitoes. What has the other guy been doing while ordinary Tennesseans are being drained of the very blood that keeps them alive? Nothing. The lack of concern about this parasitic terrorism is outrageous. Where is their outrage? Why do they remain silent about the mosquito plague? What do they have to gain by the presence of mosquitoes? The outrageous support of mosquitoes is typical behavior for the other guy. We will not allow this outrage to continue. Unlike the other guy, we do not support mosquitoes.

CC: Aunt B

Google Voicemail of the day

// February 9th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // humor

“Hey Mister, this is Doctor Bartlett here in high school parish for your information we will hold of interest meetings regarding torn Roman opportunities for rising juniors and seniors on Thursday February with at 6 PM. The library dole Roman is your Charles, Jan Stern College credit and hustle credit is a high school students with a partnership between beer and high school info, City, State, rustic community colleges at 3 point out Tennessee lottery GPA just wanna call vacations to take into one on the course and review your Student Registration Information this week. Please consider the don’t know option in plan to attend the meeting to game more information. Thank you. Have a Great Day.”

I like the Hustle credit and beer partnerships for high school students. Surely disco and alcohol will raise their ACT scores. If not, maybe we’ll get a voicemail about roller skates and suspenders.

Stevenisms

// January 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // humor, relatives

“You know why they really do that don’t you?”

“Don’t let him turn gay.”

“Four way stops are the worst thing EVER invented.”

“I think I should start wearing women’s clothes.”

“It’s okay if people drink and drive, they just shouldn’t talk on their phones and drive.”

no bouncing, but no breaking either

// December 17th, 2009 // No Comments » // humor, me

Did you know that if you trip and splat on the sidewalk while carrying a 4-y-o and an over-filled purse, you will feel shock and shame, while the aforementioned child will roll like Sonic and land on his feet going a full-speed run? Did you also know that nobody will ask the middle aged woman crawling on the sidewalk if she is okay or offer to catch the very naughty child who is now far, far out of reach? Finally, did you know that the pain from said fall will set in slowly and unexpectedly, like after you have been sitting at your computer and you try to stand up only to have your knees refuse to cooperate?

I do these things so you don’t have to do them.

that’s not gray, it’s highlights

// October 25th, 2009 // 7 Comments » // humor, me, people

Setting – Frozen rat store
A couple who appeared to be about 50, stood discussing pets with Doug and I. Doug mentioned that all of our pets are good with our children. The man in the other couple asked the ages of our children. Doug replied that our children range from four to nineteen. The man looked at me and said with a straight and sincere face, “You have a 40-year-old child?” My jaw fell on the floor. As I crawled around on the floor to retrieve my jaw from underneath the shelves, Doug literally ran to the other side of the store to laugh like a hyena. The woman in the other couple smacked the man on the head. “Does she look like she has a 40-year-old child?” He looked at her with big, innocent eyes. “I can’t tell any more.” I stumbled off to find Doug. “We’re going to the store and buy hair color today.” He didn’t even try his usual penny-pinching speech about how nice I would look with completely gray hair. He just nodded silently.

Setting – Generic grocery store
For Doug’s birthday, he treated himself to something he has looked at a million times, but never purchased. He assembled his own 6-pack of beer. Since I don’t drink beer, I offered helpful advice, like, “That label looks fun” and “The shape of that bottle is interesting.” He eventually made his selections and we went to the checkout. We put our tiny basket of items down and waited for the total. The checker asked for my ID. I told her she’d have to use Doug’s, because mine was in the car. She got all flustered and said she was REQUIRED to check the ID of everyone buying beer. “I’m not buying beer. He is.” Doug handed her his license. She continued to argue that she HAD to have my license. Doug tried reasoning with her much more calmly than I have ever witnessed him behave in the face of frustrating stupidity. She typed Doug’s birth date in and turned back to me. “Well, I guess you can just tell me your birth date.” Odds of us ever buying beer from the store with the world’s dimmest checker ever again? Slim to none.

if spray paint, then NO

// October 10th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // humor

propositioning the wrong person

// September 1st, 2009 // 2 Comments » // blogging, humor, marriage

The three youngest children were tucked safely in their beds, so I went hunting looking for Doug. I walked in our bedroom and heard rustling in the closet. I walked toward the closet and said in my very best Dr. Girlfriend voice, “We’ve got 15 minutes alone. Wanna fool around?” I reached the doorway as the last syllable left my lips and stared deeply in the eyes . . . of the teenager who was raiding my closet. I mumbled something about thinking I was talking to Doug and ran upstairs as quickly as I could, to blog the conversation.

one of THOSE days

// May 29th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // aspergers, home, humor, kid quotes, medical, parenting, preschoolers, teenagers

Me: “Tommy, do you want to spend the rest of your life just playing WoW in our basement?”
Tommy: “I don’t think you want to know my answer.”

Sarah: “I have NOTHING to wear. I HAVE to have new clothes.”

Noah: “Umm, yeah, I didn’t tell you, but, I, umm, lost a part of my snare drum that you rented.”

Amy: “Where’s the gum I was saving?”
Me: “Where did you leave it?”
Amy: “It was right there. Where Molly is napping.”

Evan: CRASH! “Ow. Ow. Ow.”
Me: pulling the shelf off of him “Where does it hurt?”
Evan: “Everywhere.”
Two hours and one trip to Children’s ER later, we have been reassured that he will be fine. They decided against stitches on his cheek.

I can hardly wait for tomorrow.