old married people conversations

She: “What station are you playing now?” He: “One of the Amazon Prime country stations.” She: “The Outlaws are not country. They’re Southern Rock.” He: “It’s a country station.” She: “They are wrong.” She: “I think we had a raccoon or skunk in the yard last night.” He: “Definitely not dog or cat.” She: “Or […]

anything but that

The youngest child is wavering on the precipice between childhood and adolescence. If you stare at him long enough, you can see him growing and changing. I don’t want want to hold him back or push him forward. I want to memorize every single detail of this moment in time. So, when he is operating […]

playing with fire

“Noah says that I should ask you what happened to all the matches.” “I can tell by the smile on your face that he told on me.” “He said you put an entire box of matches in the wood stove.” “The fire wouldn’t start. I got annoyed and scattered matches to see if it helped […]

The TMI post where I apologize

The older I get, the more my body looks like it would benefit from Willy Wonka’s taffy puller. Putting it less vaguely, I’m getting shorter and fatter. I’m down to eating one meal a day and I still look like a weeble. I even spent several months attempting various old people exercises, but do you […]

stupid human tricks

“You’ve trained the cats to beg for food from your dinner plate.” “At least they aren’t raccoons.” “I accidentally cracked my phone screen, but there are not raccoon scratches on our door.” “There’s cat fur all over my clean shirts.” “There ISN’T raccoon fur on your laundry.” “I failed to get the Netflix dvd in […]

Everyday horrors

How to make children run away screaming while their arms swat at invisible bees: 1. Walk toward child slowly with one arm reaching toward the child. 2. Say, “I accidentally got too much lotion.”

I think the font shrank

Staring at the cable guide, trying to choose a program to watch and “Go? Got? Got ham? What’s that about? Oh, #%!* it says Gotham. Why is the guide so tiny?”

Night games

Blanket-no-Blanket Every time the outside temperature drops a degree, ask for another blanket. Fall asleep under every blanket you own. In the middle of the night, start kicking at the excessive pile of blankets. Continue until all blankets are on the floor. Spend the next day washing every blanket you own. Repeat nightly. Imaginary Sleep […]