Domestic Psychology

staring us in the face

// October 6th, 2011 // No Comments » // Family, people

We spent so many years searching for information about my father’s adoption that we felt prepared for anything we might learn. Old records, news clippings and court documents were extremely descriptive of the modus operandi of Georgia Tann. Every single time the story was discussed, we talked about the multiple scenarios that could have described my father’s case. We knew.

Actually putting our hands on the case file took so long that it felt like the finish line. The documents, photographs and letters seemed like the end of our search. Everything was there. The tightly woven small town connections were reaffirming that everyone did what was right. Except… there was one thing that didn’t fit. One tiny blurb in a newspaper that we tried to justify with excuses.

Today, a small town pastor sat with my father and told him what we always knew, but never wanted to be true. My father’s birth mother published her child’s obituary in the newspaper, because she was told that her newborn son was dead.

blue and white predators

// September 22nd, 2011 // No Comments » // people

While sitting in the parking lot of a nearby grocery, I watched what appeared to be a mother and her late teens son. They walked, zig-zagging down the rows of parked cars while peeking in the windows of each and every vehicle. Occasionally, I would lose sight of them as other cars and people came and went, but twice, the mother and child reunited to chat briefly before resuming their wolves in search of a wounded sheep behavior.

There was a time in my life when I would have been appalled by this behavior. Now, I see it as the blue collar version of what happens in offices all day long. The nasty parasitic attitude that anyone who gets taken for a ride deserves it is applauded if you wear a white collar. This isn’t a new phenomenon. It’s the way it has always been. Reactions to blue and white locusts haven’t changed either. In public, we are supposed to pity the blue predators while admiring the white predators. In private, well, it doesn’t matter, because that’s the stuff that everyone pretends doesn’t happen.

I don’t ‘do’ pretend. I don’t pretend not to notice those who earn a living taking advantage of others any more than I pretend to be friends with people who should not ever be trusted.

Link dump

// September 21st, 2011 // No Comments » // people

1. Assange’s autobiography being leaked is hilarious.

2. When Lamar Alexander is too liberal for TN, party has taken precedence over people.

3. I had mixed feelings about the Gibson raid until Marsha Blackburn made this her pet project. Now, I’m siding with the environmentalists.

4. The death penalty is about revenge, not justice.

5. Something that isn’t depressing:

AspieTown

// September 16th, 2011 // 5 Comments » // people

Parents of adult Aspies know what the parents of small children on the spectrum don’t want to know. After spending twelve years of school trying to not be Autistic and learning to tolerate the NT world, the NT world is unwilling to tolerate our young adults.

We recognize that our spectrum children have grown into absolutely amazing adults. When young adult Aspies get together, they are more social than any NT out there. They joke, chat and debate for hours on end. Years of perseveration has filled their brains with more details than a Jeopardy champion.

The real world doesn’t appreciate our children. They thoughtlessly stomp on the efforts of our children to integrate in their confusing, cruel and deceitful communities. Our children are punished for honesty in a world that rewards superficial deception.

If I could, I would create a safe place for adult Aspies to live. Not a gated jail like the compassionless want for Knoxville’s homeless, but a commune within the city. Uncle Ernie’s camp without the pedophilia and homicide. A place where we return to the days when southerners took pride in their eccentricities instead of medically altering everyone to look and act identically.

Lacking the bottomless funds to create the world I want, I work with the world I have. My life is AspieTown. I quietly watch my adult Aspie laughing with his friends. I use my angry eyes to deflect the cruelty of those who can’t look beyond the quirks to appreciate the gifts that spectrum children give to those who allow them into their lives.

Sometimes the gifts are gag gifts, but every day is a holiday in AspieTown.

They call me… mom

// September 14th, 2011 // No Comments » // me, people

knock-knock
“Good morning ma’am. We’re here to tell you about…”
“It’s pouring rain out here. Where’s your umbrella?”
“We’re fine. We’re from the…”
“May I give you an umbrella please?”
“No thank you. We just wanted to talk about the book…”
“I’m sorry, but I need you to get out of the rain.”
“Uh, okay. Would you like a pamphlet?”
“Not unless you’ll take an umbrella.”

Dear Dad,

// September 10th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // people

Now that we know your parents are alive, it’s time for you to stop using “this could be the last time” to control everyone’s schedules. Since it is possible that any activity is ANYONE’S last time, everyone could use that expression. If it’s true for everyone, it is redundant to say what is always true.

You will get more mileage asking me if I’m spending my day as I would want my last day spent. There needs to be a lot less somber lasts and a little more living in the moment. Please stop planning for death and get back to living life. Since I do need to at least try and get my garage cleaned out before I die, sometimes I’m going to have to say no to you.

Just remember, I love you.

Yay and yikes

// September 4th, 2011 // No Comments » // people

When my father had CABG surgery, every single clipboard attached to his bed had “no family medical history” written in letters so large that it was impossible not to see it. It didn’t stop doctors, nurses and social workers from asking him repeatedly why he had no family medical history.

Among the many, many revelations in the genealogy saga are multiple relatives who had strokes in their fifties. I consider this knowledge a win. It’s too late for my father’s doctors to know and fight this enemy before it attacks, but it will be written in every grandchild’s medical records. Yay for a family medical history. Adoptees should not have to spend two decades paying fees and sending notarized letters to get medical records.

Medical history is the gold medal in adoption record searching, but the silver medal is an old photograph, an image that allows vivid imaginations to see familiar eyes, noses and body types. The medical records feed the brain, but photographs feed the heart. My brother and I were prepared to make the trek to middle TN to search the boxes of ancient records in two church basements in our quest for photographs. The funeral home that nearly everyone uses would have been on our schedule too. Funeral home directors know more family stories than bartenders, but they are better at keeping secrets. When the funeral home director is yet another fraternity brother, there is the possibility of seeing an old photograph from a funeral program that predates online archives. Nothing in life is simple or risk-free. Life is messy. Our quest for photographs has become difficult and dangerous, because…

both of my father’s birth parents are alive.

D is the new R

// August 3rd, 2011 // 2 Comments » // people, politics

My father is an extremely conservative, white, Southern Baptist male. He also loves Drudge Report and has a 1950′s attitude about race and gender. Tomorrow, he is driving to what Newscoma lovingly terms as Hoots for the funeral of his cousin. My father will be one of the most liberal people at that funeral.

Today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Republicans. There is a Bachmann in every Southern Baptist congregation. Our country is tilting furiously as the oligarchy fight to separate themselves from responsibility. Using the Southern Strategy to gain control of the country for maximum greed, many Americans now endorse the dismantling of social services and the infrastructure that helps us work toward safer air, water, food and pharmaceuticals.

Social media makes the world feel small, but it also makes it easy to forget that there is a large portion of the world who are not political junkies plugged into the Matrix. Most people could care less about the back and forth in DC. Do you know why the President asked people to tweet their elected officials? Because nobody else cares.

Those of us who want all children fed, clothed, sheltered and educated regardless of their parents’ place of birth or employment status are the minority. We need to stop acting shocked when our fantasy of a healthy, educated populace gets dealt political blows.

We have a choice. We can act like emo teenagers blaming a President who is constrained by the reality of being black in America and help get a Koch owned politician elected OR we can elect politicians who are not bought and paid for by lobbyists. We can give our President intelligent team players who care about ALL Americans or we can rage against the good guys because they had to compromise with racist, sexist creeps and corporate overlords.

Realistically, the best and brightest thing we can do for the future is to educate all children and raise our own children to care about others.

Just a girl

// July 20th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // people

“She gets migraines” is the new “but what if she’s on her period” and it’s equally silly.

Coupon headache

// June 3rd, 2011 // 9 Comments » // people

Before I walk in the grocery, I -
1. pull out only the coupons that I need and
2. throw away *expired coupons.

When I arrive at the checkout -
1. I do not go to a ten and under line if I have coupons and
2. I hand the clerk my coupons before they even begin to ring the order.

I feel like I am following basic coupon etiquette.

At the checkout -
1. The cashier calls the manager over to inspect the coupons. Is there a counterfeit coupon ring that creates the need for this?
2. The cashier scowls and pounds the coupon key so hard that I expect the key to break.
3. The woman in line behind me puts her hands on her hips and glares at me in the hope that I will make eye contact and apologize for having the audacity to use a coupon. Moms have peripheral vision and will notice your body language without ever looking directly at you.
4. The third person in line complained loudly about “people slowing everyone else down over a nickel.” I saved $12 with coupons today.

A few years ago, coupons were considered smart. Cashiers looked confused if you didn’t have coupons to use. That didn’t last. We are now back to coupons being something that annoys everyone except the coupon user.

* I am aware that there are people who ignore the expiration date and fight to use that expired coupon as if it were a challenge toward achieving coupon knighthood. I don’t do need to be coupon royalty. I just want to buy groceries without stressing the cashiers or other customers.