Domestic Psychology

Hot spot

// January 23rd, 2012 // No Comments » // pets, sleep

I don’t run a fever. Ever. I think it’s because my feet act as a refrigerator. Well, they’re normally a fridge, but in the winter, my feet are ice cubes. Frozen feet make getting comfortable enough to sleep next to impossible. Your spouse may promise to love, honor and warm your feet, but that last part is quickly forgotten and replaced by, “Get those frosty toes away from me!”

So, I sleep with a heating pad under my feet. It’s more relaxing than warm milk. As the temperature in my feet rises, I fall deep asleep. Deep, drooling sleep that is only disrupted by the temperature in my feet dropping back to miserably cold. Cold caused by theft of my spot on the heating pad. The first night my hot spot was stolen, I thought it was an accident. The second night, I realized that I was being targeted for gradual and deliberate foot abuse.

We have two large German Shepherds. They are the very best of friends despite the fact that one does all the thinking for the both of them. It’s not that the other dog is stupid as much as she is lacking any awareness of past or future. In her world, there is only this moment. She can walk in the house, notice the front door, and decide she needs to see what’s on the other side of the door even though she just walked in that door. Life is perpetually new and exciting to this dog.

So, when the short bus dog stretched, rolled, and readjusted herself repeatedly until I had been nudged off the heating pad and she was snoring on it, I initially thought it was a coincidence. When she repeated her carefully planned sneak attack on the hot spot, I recognized that we have discovered this dog’s special talent. Our dog is a genius at making herself comfortable.

Unless there are dog safe heating pads, I think we need to invest in an electric blanket. My power struggles with the comfort dog are not amusing the husband OR the other dog.

Furry

// November 7th, 2011 // No Comments » // animals, pets

The weather is getting colder and most people are dragging out their winter clothes. It seems like animals should be growing winter coats to prepare for their five minute excursions outside for potty breaks. My two black German Shepherds have decided instead to shed their fur in giant clumps and single hairs on every surface in the house.

I usually spend my Saturday washing every sheet, pillowcase, mattress pad and blanket on the six beds in our house. Even though that was three days ago, the blankets were too nasty to tolerate this morning. I cheated and pulled all the blankets off the beds, but left the mattress pads and fitted sheets on the beds. I knew it was a stupid shortcut.

At the end of the day, I pulled our warm, clean blankets out of the dryer and walked in our room eager to crawl in the bed and read a chapter of a book. I turned on the light in our dark, cool, basement bedroom to find a sleeping dog stretched out on our unprotected sheet like a cat in a sunbeam. The sleepy fur child lifted her head and smiled at me so that I could only respond to her with ear scratches and baby talk.

Tomorrow, I will strip our bed and do the laundry correctly. Tonight, I will snuggle with my large dogs while they share their fur with my bed, skin and lungs.

catch phrases that won’t catch

// August 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // animals, pets

“He’s happier than a snake after a shed.”

“She’s poocrastinating until the rain stops.”

“We have yellow jackets. Find the corpse.”

mice are tasty

// August 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // animals, pets

It is extremely common for the pet store to be sold out of the frozen rodents that make our snake happy. Since most people haven’t discovered how pleasant and easy snakes are as pets, it doesn’t seem like frozen mice would EVER be difficult to find. Our mice come from a local breeder, so the problem is not related to any *food recalls. This week, I finally learned that one man in Knoxville causes the mice shortage. Apparently, he buys dozens of frozen mice every week to feed his CATS. We have a feral cat. It likes to kill things. The cat leaves them where we are certain to step on them. It never, ever eats them. Disembowels them? Yes. Eat them? No. If we handed the cat something that is already dead, it would give us a ‘what is wrong with you people’ look before it violently slashed at our arms. What kind of cats eat frozen mice? Is the owner really serious about his raw food diet and want his pets to also avoid manufactured food? Does the owner just need a good cat food coupon? Maybe the owner needs to skip the pet store middle man and go directly to the mice breeder. Perhaps he just needs to move to a farm and let his cats feed on the barn mice. I guess we could try teaching the snake to eat cat food.

*I giggled when I typed that mice are food. I’m easily amused.

Amy says:

// July 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // kid quotes, pets

Amy: “Mom! Dharma ate a whole jar of peanut butter. How did she do that?”
Me: “Dharma ate the lid off the peanut butter jar?”
Amy: “Well, I might have accidentally left the lid off the jar.”
Me: “Dharma took the jar of peanut butter off the shelf?”
Amy: “Well, I might have accidentally left the jar on the floor.”
Me: “Dharma took the peanut butter off the kitchen floor?”
Amy: “Well, I might have accidentally left it on the floor in my room.”
Me: “It certainly is a mystery how Dharma was able to eat a jar of peanut butter.”
Amy: “Dharma must be magic.”

it’s raining . . . something

// June 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // children, pets, preschoolers

Two large German Shepherd dogs give lots of love, but they also leave a lot of mess. One of our dogs hides in the forest to make her mess. The other dog? She doesn’t care about privacy or the perfect spot. She goes anywhere. Since she, umm, walks it out, it is literally everywhere in the yard. Since dog poo is magnetically attracted to shoes, when the yard becomes a stinky mine field, Doug does maintenance. Doug’s method is something of a mix between a trebuchet and The Shoveler. In one movement, he swoops the mess and catapults it into the overgrown forest. It’s not my favorite Doug routine, but it’s effective.

While the pretend children of sitcoms cutely walk around in their parents’ shoes and hats, real children copy their parents words and actions. The less desirable the words and actions, the more likely they will be imitated by children. Knowing this fact didn’t make it any less horrible when I looked out the front window to see the 5-year-old flinging dog poop while his 8-year-old sister stood beside him. “I found some more over here.” Unlike Doug’s quick fling across the yard, Evan’s method was to lift the heavy shovel full of dirt, grass and poop just enough to hoist it all straight up and above where he and his sister stood. The result was the first thing that I saw out the window. I stood in horror as it rained poop all over my children. Before I could get them to stop, they looked like they had been attacked by Mr. Hankey.

I don’t expect a sitcom life, but I don’t think reality show children do this kind of thing either.

Molly

// June 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // flickr, pets

watch the dogs

// May 26th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // home, pets, video

dog v. cat

// March 22nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // pets

When the dogs are hungry, they bring me the bowl and bump my hands until I fill the bowl.
When the cat is hungry, she pees in the laundry.

After I feed the dogs, they wag and give slobbery kisses.
After I feed the cat, she vanishes for hours.

Call the dogs and they appear before me.
Call the cat and the dogs appear before me.

Pet a dog and they roll over for more.
Pet a cat and they hiss. Or they purr. Or both.

redecorating the tree

// December 19th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // holidays, pets, preschoolers

A. Evan moves the ornaments from the middle of the tree to the bottom of the tree.
B. The dogs knock the ornaments to the floor.
C. I move the ornaments from the floor to the middle of the tree.
D. Repeat. All the day long.