“Why does Westley smell like pancake syrup?” “Well, I think maybe he could have gotten some on him when he was like, walking on the table and then he might have accidentally licked my plate that I forgot to put in the sink.”

not a vampire

Evan: “How old were you when you ate chocolate covered ants for the first time?” Me: “I have never eaten chocolate covered ants.” Evan: “I was thinking about chocolate covered ants. When they kill the ants, the ants get all bloody. Then, they put chocolate on top of bloody ants. So really, you are eating […]


Evan: “I love you so much I had to write your name.” Me: “Thank you. I love you, too. Can I see your writing?” Evan: “Sure. It’s in the bathroom. I wrote it on the counter, but I used your toothpaste cause you don’t like it when I waste mine.”

May as well have said “fire truck”

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a cool dude rapper with lots of girls liking me.” Since he was a toddler, the child who is so pale he gets a sunburn while fully clothed has pointed at male teens and twenty-somethings with dark skin and loudly declared them to be cool dudes. I never […]

Evan says:

“If I go to your bed now, I won’t have to walk downstairs in the middle of the night to crawl between you and daddy.”

Tingly booger sense

“Please blow your nose Evan.” “I don’t have any boogers. I only have webs.” “Blow out the webs before a spider crawls in your nose.” “I want spiders in my nose! Then, I can shoot webs at people. Pew-pew-pew!”

being literal

“Evan! What are you doing?” “Spitting out my watermelon seeds.” “Why are you spitting them on the living room floor?” “Dad told me not to swallow them.”