Domestic Psychology

from Monday’s script

// May 4th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // kid quotes, life, parenting, relatives

click
Me: “What’s that…”
click
Me: “Evan! Stop taking pictures of Mommy.”
Evan: “Why?”
Me: “Never take pictures in the bathroom.”
Evan: “But I’m standing in the hallway.”

“Mom? Why are there X’s wiggling all over your phone?”

“Stop it.”
“You stop it.”
“He won’t quit throwing stuff at me.”
“He threw it first.”
“How am I supposed to leave you in charge when you are acting EXACTLY like a 4-year-old?”

“I’m not using that unisex bathroom. If don’t use the same bathroom as my husband, I’m certainly not using the same one as strange men.”

“His only option is bypass. Times three.”

“Don’t spend money on a box that you’re going to toss in the dirt.”
“Whoever is left behind gets to make that choice. If you want to decide, don’t go first.”

“… and I want you to sell the house and move in with someone who can take care of you and …”

“No tub baths. No driving. No lifting.”
“He’s not listening to you.”
“I know that, but I’m gonna say it anyway.”

“Cathy? I saw your pictures on Twitter and knew you were here somewhere.”

“Did you see the videos from Nashville today?”

“Mom? Can I have a playhouse?”

children’s books were different in 1941

// April 11th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // books, kid quotes

“He kidnapped him!”
“The man in the yellow hat smokes?”
“George almost drowned!”
“He let a monkey smoke?”
“This book is weird.”
“I liked the movie better.”

dramatic pauses included

// March 24th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // clothing, kid quotes, preschoolers

The 4-y-o dressed himself in his favorite jeans and his favorite shirt. He went through a series of odd poses as he studied the clothing on his tiny frame. “Mom?” “What?” “I . . . look . . . awesome.” “Yes, you do.” “I . . . am a cool dude.”

We have entered the beautiful season when the siren song of the outdoors has the young and old wandering about in a dreamy haze. Because I’m a mean mom who won’t allow the 7-year-old to wear summer clothes to school yet, Amy races inside after school and changes into last year’s too small shorts and tees as though long sleeves are suffocating her. She emerges from her cocoon of well fitting winter clothes chirping cheerfully. “Evan! How can you stand to wear long sleeves and long pants? Want me to bring you better clothes?” “No.” “But, you look hot.” “No. I . . . look . . . awesome.”

Every household needs a mini Shatner.

you’re my favorite

// February 13th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // kid quotes, parenting

We spent last weekend house sitting for a friend’s beautiful waterfront home. A weekend away from home, cute animals and deer in the front yard made it feel like a vacation. It was probably less fun for my family who had to endure the annoying whining about my knee, but they’re smart enough to ignore my bad behavior.

Evan made sure to touch every single stick in the yard surrounding the house. He climbed up and down the staircases endlessly. He fearlessly scaled the cliff that dropped off into the deep, cold water while Johnny Bartlett squeezed my heart. When Evan saw a boat in the water, he howled in terror. “Noooo!” Getting near a boat? Scary. Dancing on the side of a mountain? Fun. Evan is my favorite.

Amy wandered the house and grounds like they were a museum, ooohing and ahhhing at all the wonders. “Mom! Come look at this!” I followed her voice until I found her staring at the contents of a small table. “Isn’t this the coolest thing EVER? Why can’t we have one of these things?” I looked closer at the object of her desire. “This part is springy. What do you think it does?” “Amy, that’s a telephone.” “Wow! This is the coolest phone I’ve ever seen. When will we get phones with cords at our house?” Amy is my favorite.

Noah surveyed the half a dozen bedroom choices and announced that he would be sleeping on the deck. I dismissed the idea as much too dangerous due to bitter cold, wild animals and unknown environment. “I’ve slept in colder, more dangerous, less familiar situations with scouts and you never complained.” Ten points for Noah. Noah is my favorite.

Sarah spent the weekend doing what she does every day, doing her own thing. She is much more interested in being with her friends than hanging around the house. She’s too independent and social to play SpongeBob Memory by the fireplace. Even though I miss her, I’m tremendously proud of the person she has become. Sarah is my favorite.

Tommy didn’t go near the house by the water. “I don’t go to strangers’ houses.” Tommy has sorted an emotional and random world into a logical, but amusing book of rules. Sheldon Tommy is my favorite.

Doug: “Tommy’s not a B & B person.” Doug is my favorite.

teen speak

// December 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // kid quotes, teenagers

I was once told that people add “in bed” to the end of every fortune from a fortune cookie. I don’t know how accurate that was, but it was one of the more believable stand-up bits from the source, so let’s just pretend that even though I had never heard it before, it’s something most people do. Tonight, that source had a revelation that I don’t doubt in the least.

“Why do I hear an unspoken ‘moron’ at the end of everything the teen girl says?”

Amy says:

// November 25th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // kid quotes

Amy: “I got an E+ on my book of school safety rules.”
Me: “That’s wonderful. What were the rules?”
Amy: “Umm, I can only remember one.”
Me: “What is it?”
Amy: “Never punch people in the face.”

character soup

// November 13th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // kid quotes, siblings

Amy: puts can of Shrek soup on counter “Can I have Shrek soup with dinner?”
Me: “Sure.”
Evan: puts can of Cars soup on counter “Can I have Lightning McQueen soup with dinner?”
Me: “We will have one soup. You and Amy need to agree on which one.”
Evan: drops can of Shrek soup on floor “We agree on mine.”

They ate Spongebob soup.

food talk

// November 4th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // food, kid quotes

Me: “Evan, do you want some chicken?”
Evan: “With ketchup.”
Me: “What sound does a chicken make?”
Evan: “Bawk-bawk-bawk.”
Me: “Right! Would you like some green beans.”
Evan: “Put them beside the chicken.”
Me: “What sound do green beans make?”
Evan: drops to the floor and curls up in a ball “Bu-bu-bu-bu.”
Amy: rolling eyes “He’s so weird.”
Me: “Amy, what sound does bread make?”
Amy: crosses arms and glares at me silently
Evan: “Amy doesn’t know. Want me to tell her?”

just being contrary

// October 17th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // kid quotes, preschoolers

Dad: “Quesadillas are ready!”
Me: “Who wants a cheese triangle?”
Evan: “I want a cheese RECTANGLE.”
Me: “No rectangles today.”
Evan: <- heavy sigh -> “I guess I’ll take a cheese circle.”

this wasn’t in the manual

// September 29th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // kid quotes, parenting, preschoolers

“Look, Mom! I found two balls in here.”
“Why don’t you build something with your Legos?”
“I want to get these out.”
“Those don’t come out. Now stop doing that before you break something.”
“I’m gonna pee them out.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t.”