Domestic Psychology

not my-niscus, his-niscus

// December 1st, 2012 // No Comments » // he/she, health

Thursday, Doug’s knee decided to attempt mutiny. He took an old pain killer from the fingertip removal incident. The night was like a bad comedy routine.
“It hurts when I do this.”
“Don’t do this.”

Doug couldn’t go twenty minutes without moving and every time he moved, he reflexively yelped from the pain.
“Augh!”
“Please stop moving.”
“I didn’t move.”

Friday morning, Doug couldn’t remember a thing about the all-night squirm and scream-a-thon.
“What are you talking about?”

His version of the story.

Friday night was the same song, but a different verse.

I offered to help him get undressed and he stubbornly refused.
“I can do it myself.”

He then proceeded to channel his inner toddler. He whined. He stomped his good leg. He twisted, flopped and flailed.
“My pants are stuck on my toes.”

I untangled the still squirming feet from the ridiculously twisted pants.
“You missed the socks.”
“Well, aren’t you the special butterfly.”

His version of the story.

stir crazy conversations

// November 29th, 2012 // No Comments » // marriage

“Stop breathing in my face. I’ll suffocate from the used up air.”
“Would you like me to sleep on the couch so that you can breathe unused air?”
“We don’t have a couch. We have a love seat. We should fix that for when you won’t quit breathing in my face.”
“Or when you are acting crazy.”

Not seen in Highlights

// September 9th, 2012 // No Comments » // humor, marriage

Goofus wakes up at 11:30 a.m., sees his spouse cleaning the clutter in a child’s room and complains because nothing should ever be thrown in the trash.

Gallant sleeps late on his only day off, gets up to find his spouse cleaning and silently vanishes until he has a salted caramel mocha for his spouse who gets surly when cleaning.

Her vs Him: “Let’s go swimming.”

// July 1st, 2012 // No Comments » // marriage

Her:
Shave legs and armpits
Scrub face, shoulders and back
Collect swimsuits and beach towels for everyone in the family
Retrieve mangled sunglasses from bucket of stuffed animals
Gather pool toys, sunscreen and goggles
Fill cooler with drinks and snacks
Give dogs a full bowl of fresh water

Him:
Put on yesterday’s shorts and shirt
Announce that you’ve been ready for an hour

After a decade and children,

// August 25th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // marriage

Love is…

Cleaning the pukey sheets while your wife cleans the small child.

Using baby talk when giving the dogs their medication. “Who wants a widdle gwu-co-sa-mine? Yes you do-o-o.”

Walking in the door, seeing the look on your wife’s face and silently leaving the house only to return fifteen minutes later with chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream from Bruster’s.

Cleaning out an uncooperative child’s nose.

Giving the cat medicine even though it means flesh wounds.

Staying awake afterwards to talk to your wife when all you really want to do is sleep.

Happy Anniversary Doug! I love you!

hugs, not words

// July 27th, 2011 // No Comments » // marriage

I inflicted a non-romantic broken heart upon myself this week. In the grand scheme of things, the entire episode is unimportant to anyone but me. Brooding about this one small thing became a giant Katamari of drama that should be illegal if you are not a teenager.

Despite being together forever and knowing each other so well that we can finish each others sentences, *Doug still thinks that his response to my whining should be the offering of solutions. When women whine about the way things are, they don’t want to know what they did wrong. They want a hug.

Example #1
Her: “My feelings, blah, blah, blah.”
Wrong Him: “What you should do is <- insert male behavior here ->.”
Right Him: “I’m sorry about your feelings. Can I have a hug?”

Example #2
Her: “And then this happened and then that happened and then blah, blah, blah.”
Wrong Him: “Well, you shouldn’t have blah, blah, blah and if I’d been there, I would have blah, blah, blah.”
Right Him: <- Insert hug here. ->

*I love him for caring enough to try when it’s futile to do anything except offer a hug.

Smells like work

// April 13th, 2011 // No Comments » // Doug, me

I spent the weekend painting doors. Taking doors off hinges, carrying them outside, sanding, priming, painting and rehanging until the sunlight was no longer available to guide my brush. When the children were tucked in bed and the morning outfits were neatly organized, I collapsed in bed. Doug sat with his laptop while I tapped on the iPad. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Doug sniffing his armpit. I turned to watch him just as he sniffed his other armpit.

Me: “Is there a problem?”
Doug: “I thought I smelled funky, but I don’t.”

patch, patch, patch

// March 30th, 2011 // No Comments » // Doug, me

Doug: “Look at all these updates for your ___! When’s the last time you updated?”
Me: “I did a backup and update yesterday. Those patches appeared overnight.”
Doug: “Oh. Never mind.”

We repeat this conversation weekly.

bad foreplay

// March 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Doug, marriage, me

In no particular order and requiring no explanations, five actions that warrant the bad foreplay card:
1. punching partner in the face
2. noxious gas from any orifice
3. “I like this one best, because it’s bigger.”
4. “One of the animals threw up in the other room, but we’ll clean it up afterwards.”
5. “I’m sorry. I drifted off for a few minutes.”

Surprisingly, this post does not fall on the list.

middle-aged Saturday

// March 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Doug, me

Him: “What do you want to do today?”
Her: “We could work in the garage or we could start thinning out the junk in our closet. After that, Evan needs new shoes.”
Him: “I was thinking it’s a good day to plant grass in the yard. We have some spots that are full sun and some that are complete shade, so I’d like to compare the different varieties of seed at Home Depot and Ernie’s and . . . <- At this point in the conversation, my mind started composing our conversation into a blog post, but I was subconsciously following the key words enough to know that the topic didn’t change. -> . . . get seed out before tomorrow’s rain.”
Her: “Okay.”
Him: “Okay what?”
Her: “You hunt for grass seed while I play on the computer.”