Domestic Psychology

She said: I need a blanket

// February 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // Doug, marriage, me, sleep

Last night, Doug and I had two children AND two dogs in our bed. We were packed in the bed like Charlie Bucket’s grandparents IF they had added two small horses to their overcrowded bed. I was relegated to a tiny space on the edge of the bed and pinned down by 100+ pounds of German Shepherd. Eventually, I nodded off to sleep.

I usually forget my dreams shortly after waking. I only remember bits and pieces. The only thing I remember about my dream last night is the bees. A few ordinary bees were buzzing about the room, but there was also a jar of bees. The bees in the jar were getting larger by the second and I was so increasingly panicked by the impending escape of the mutant bees that I woke myself up, swinging my arms wildly to keep the bees away from me. Except, I wasn’t really awake at all. I was frantically trying to pull the covers over myself to hide from the bees when the children and dogs had claimed all the covers. I cursed like a sailor and begged for a blanket. At some point, I realized there were no bees, but I was still unable to focus on anything except the dog pinning me down and my need for a blanket. I was aware that Doug was out of bed, seeking a blanket, but in my mind, he was moving in slow motion and mumbling to himself that I should get my own *&%# blanket. Doug tossed the blanket on me and grumbled at the dogs to move over while I hid under the blanket and uncharacteristically fell back into a deep slumber.

I would claim that I wasn’t awake for any of my bad behavior, except I remember the entire incident vividly. I apologize for the bizarre stream of profanities, but someone needs to be faster with the blanket when I’m being attacked by bees dagnabit.

If spider, then act stupid

// February 16th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Doug, if - then, marriage, me

Every spring, nasty bugs and spiders invade the house. Primarily, they invade the basement. The washer, dryer and mountain of dirty laundry live in the basement and if any laundry is left on the floor, the creepy crawlies hide inside the towels and clothing. I know this. It happens every single spring and every single spring, the first time it happens, I act like it’s the first multi-legged creature to visit the laundry pile.

A few days ago, I was carelessly tossing a pile of towels and socks into the washer when I saw a spider. It was probably a brown recluse. It could have been a tarantula. It might have been a Venezuelan General/Avondale hybrid spider. There was a possibly flesh-eating spider sitting on a towel. A spider sitting on a towel in my arms. A spider sitting on a towel being thrown while an eardrum piercing shriek shattered the silence in the room. A spider somewhere under a towel. A spider somewhere under a towel and several other pieces of laundry. A spider somewhere under a pile of laundry that someone stupidly threw BEHIND the washing machine. A dark, inaccessible corner behind the washer that could only be accessed by reaching and blindly grabbing. I called for the knight in shining armor scruffy bathrobe clad spouse. “DOUG!” A calm voice answered from another room. “Where’s the spider this time?”

Why is it so cold in here?

// February 7th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Doug, marriage, me

Our car allows the driver and passenger to control the temperature of their own air vents. Invariably, Doug has his vents blowing a/c and I have my vents cranking out the heat. I’m surprised we don’t create storm fronts in our car. I am always cold and Doug is always complaining that the house, the car and his clothes are too hot. Doug is probably the only man in the world who is eager for his wife to start enjoying her own private summers.

*Are you old enough to know the origin of the title of this post?

she said/he said – Valentine’s Day edition

// January 30th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Doug, holidays, kid quotes, marriage, teenagers

Sarah: “Oh, no! I have Color Guard all day on Valentine’s Day. My hair will look terrible for my date that night.”

Doug: “I’m going camping February 14 – 17. Why are you making that face? Did you have plans that weekend?”

Amy says:

// January 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // kid quotes, marriage, parenting

“This. Is. SO. Em-bar-ras-sing.”

what we have here is a failure to communicate

// November 30th, 2008 // No Comments » // Doug, marriage, me

Doug: “Why are you so stressed?”
Me: “I have a million things to get done and most of them feel like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.”
Doug: “Why don’t you narrow the list down a bit.”
Me: “Well, there are three things that absolutely, positively must get done in the next two days.”
Doug: “Okay. No problem. I’ll help and it will get done.”

Twenty-four hours later with none of the three done:
Doug: “Umm, what ONE thing needs to get done?”

background noise

// September 17th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // Doug, marriage, me

Me: “Wait a minute. I need to change the music.”
Doug: “It will wait.”
Me: “No. David Lee Roth is playing and I just can’t allow him in this room right now.”
Doug: “What?!?”
Me: “David Lee Roth. Yuck. I need different music.”
Doug: “Are you thinking about the musician or me?”
Me: “You and the musician who is serenading us.”
Doug: “This is completely insane.”
Me: “I don’t care. Change to music by someone who isn’t gross.”

taking a sick day

// September 3rd, 2008 // 5 Comments » // Doug, health, marriage, me

I’m sick. Runny/stuffy nose, sore throat, headache, coughing, tired and aching sick. A few days ago, I sneezed without covering my mouth. It was rude, disgusting and wet. A mist of germs sprayed in every direction. Doug tried to pretend he didn’t notice. His eyes rolled toward his damp arms and I could see his mind trying to figure out how he could sanitize his arms without my noticing. Amy chirped, “It felt like it was raining in here.”

Doug failed to clean his arms and he has the cold now too. Yesterday we tried to out-whine each other for first turn at a nap. “My head hurts. I just need a quick nap.” “My head hurts and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.” “Last night when you couldn’t quit coughing, I got you a drink.” “Last night when I couldn’t quit coughing, I peed myself.” “Enjoy your nap.”

marital aids

// August 24th, 2008 // 4 Comments » // Doug, marriage

Monday is Doug and I’s anniversary. We’ll probably celebrate by giving each other a kiss on the cheek as we pass each other on the staircase. We see each other several times a day when Doug comes up from his dungeon to get a fresh pot of coffee and I walk down to move laundry from the washing machine to the dryer. Otherwise, it’s all Skype and Twitter. Twitter people get queasy if someone tweets about adult activities during office hours, but we could probably get away with some racey Skype interaction. Just in case we have 3- 13 minutes alone and uninterrupted by urgent phone calls, I washed Doug’s favorite marital aids today. “Wait, my leg went numb. Maybe if I bend like this.” “Ow, you’re cutting off my circulation.” “Okay, maybe if I lean here I could, ouch – I’m getting a cramp like this.” “Here, try putting this here and that there.” “Oh, yes. That feels so much better.”

The pillows are clean and fluffy for propping up middle aged body parts. In seemingly unrelated news, Doug thinks he’s going to go for a run every night.

second chances

// August 25th, 2004 // 7 Comments » // Doug, marriage, me

On July 4, 1997 I packed three children (then 7, 4, & 1) and a dog into a small car and moved from Atlanta to Knoxville. My now ex-husband moved from Atlanta to Boston because he needed some time for himself. He was “tired of everything always being about the children and decisions being so life or death.” He thought his paychecks should be spent on his wants and not anyone else’s needs. He said he just needed a year or two. He neglected to mention that he was looking forward to finally meeting the woman he had been talking to on the Internet for months. They are still living together, but her husband refuses to agree to their divorce paperwork as long as my ex is still in her life. I wasn’t the only spouse they burned when they got together in a chat room. I arrived in Knoxville in the afternoon and immediately took the children to watch fireworks.

I stumbled around in a daze for a year. Searching for purpose, I went back to college. I already had a bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Psychology, but I felt like I was skilled to do nothing. In one of my classes I met a woman who understood me. We had very similar personalities, but our lives had taken different paths. She was newly married to a man who was very thoughtful and carefully planning their future. I was in the middle of a divorce from a man who only thought about himself and considered the children property. She and her husband saw an opportunity to help me. They had a friend named Doug whose wife had just left him for another man, because Doug was trying to start his own business when she just wanted to travel and party. His ex was very twisted, but that’s his story to tell. In what now seems like twisted logic, they decided that Doug and I really needed to get together to satisfy some umm, primal urges and thus make each other happier beings.

We nervously dated. Doug told me all of his jokes the first hour we spent together. I found him charming and quite attractive. As we dated, a pattern emerged. Doug was late for lunch because he saw a stranded motorcyclist and towed them to a gas station. Doug went to help friends with this and that and even total strangers. He literally gave people the shirt off his back. I don’t have enough words to describe how compassionate and caring Doug is toward all people. His only shortcomings are in the way he feels about himself.

Somehow, this wonderful and amazing man fell in love with me. Three years ago we were sitting in his living room watching all the neighborhood children play in the cove. He said, “I want it to be like this every day. Let’s get married. Let’s get married tomorrow.” We drove to Gatlinburg the next morning and got married. We spent that afternoon moving the children and all of our stuff into his already full house. Someday we’ll have a belated honeymoon and take a weekend someplace alone. Doug makes me feel loved like I have never felt in my life. He is my very best friend. He continues his love of life and I continue my efforts to hold up a mirror so that he can see how truly wonderful he really is. He loves the three children that came into this marriage as much as the new people we made together. Unphased by the fact that one of the children has special needs, he tirelessly devotes himself to being a good husband and father. Thank you Doug. I love you very much. Happy Anniversary.