weaponized pits

“Did you use deodorant?” “No, but last night I used enough to last all week.” “It really doesn’t work like that. You put deodorant on every morning like it’s your armour. Only instead of it protecting you, it saves the rest of the family from the stink bullets that shoot out of your armpits.” “Ewww. […]

much to say

“It’s too bad this isn’t a three day weekend like last weekend. I wish every weekend was three days. You know my friend E? The one who has a pool? Well, it isn’t his pool. It’s his neighborhood pool. I like that pool. E made up a new word. It’s peenana. I bet you can’t […]

Everyday horrors

How to make children run away screaming while their arms swat at invisible bees: 1. Walk toward child slowly with one arm reaching toward the child. 2. Say, “I accidentally got too much lotion.”

Eagerly awaiting my intervention

“Today at school, I had to put together a presentation on my family. So, I copied a bunch of pictures from everyone’s Instagram and Twitter accounts. For you, I found a picture of you standing in the snow, in your robe.”

Dear Doug,

It’s been a few years since I left you to solo parent, so here are a few things to remember while I’m away for the weekend. Boogie wipes are not an acceptable alternative to bathing. The children require food more than once a day. If SuperTween’s outfit causes you to raise an eyebrow, make her […]

An email from Supertween

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TRY TO TEACH EVAN MATH IT WILL NEVER WORK HE DOES NOT LISTEN HE IS ALSO VERY RUDE&MEAN!!!!!!’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:( 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 This weekend, I will be having a serious discussion with Supertween… about the caps lock key and only using one exclamation point.

scapegoating tissues

As a child, babysitters during the daytime were extremely rare and used only for PTA meetings that couldn’t happen with small children running amuck. I remember vividly the baby sitter who taught us to make flowers with coat hangers and kleenex. I thought she was the coolest sitter ever and brought her every single shoebox […]

I answer their questions

This week, I… talked about menstruation with my 9-y-o daughter, talked about childbirth with my 6-y-o son, and talked about HPV with my teenage son. Parenting is not for the timid.

Carl Sagan

Me: “Today is Carl Sagan Day.” Noah: “Who?” Me: “Oh, Noah. Get out your iPad and accurately describe Carl Sagan in 140 characters.” Noah: “Seriously?” Me: “Completely serious. Didn’t you ever wonder why your dad and I like to say bill-i-ons and bill-i-ons?” Noah: “No. You guys say LOTS of weird stuff.” You know that […]