Domestic Psychology

facebook is the new aol

// March 3rd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // technology, teenagers

“Augh! My paper that I spent an hour writing is GONE!”
“Relax. Let me see if there’s a saved copy of it. Were you using Word?”
“I was typing it up on facebook.”
“Facebook? You were writing a school paper on facebook?”
“Yes.”
“Open up something other than facebook and start over.”

“Did you see the links to colleges with art programs that I sent you?”
“No. Where did you send it?”
“It’s in an e-mail.”
“I never check e-mail. Send it to my facebook.”

Dear mouthy teenagers,

// December 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // kid quotes, teenagers

Cattle guard? Seriously? You really think it’s funny to mock a group of girls who are incredibly smart, talented and kind? These girls are honor roll students. They are in the honor society and key club. They work jobs and they volunteer in the community. One other little thing, they won every Color Guard competition this year.

Unless you want me to come over there and give you the Mom eye, I suggest that you find something to do that doesn’t involve insulting your classmates and fellow band students.

Thanks,
Cathy
P.S. Santa is watching.

teen speak

// December 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // kid quotes, teenagers

I was once told that people add “in bed” to the end of every fortune from a fortune cookie. I don’t know how accurate that was, but it was one of the more believable stand-up bits from the source, so let’s just pretend that even though I had never heard it before, it’s something most people do. Tonight, that source had a revelation that I don’t doubt in the least.

“Why do I hear an unspoken ‘moron’ at the end of everything the teen girl says?”

bad patient

// November 5th, 2009 // No Comments » // health, parenting

4:00 pm – Sarah enters the house, vomits and goes to bed. Her temperature is 101.

“I stayed up too late last night. I’ll be fine after a quick nap. I have to go to a football game tomorrow night.”

10:00 pm – After a six hour nap, Sarah’s temperature is 102.

“I think I just ate too much Halloween candy this week. I’ll be fine for the football game.”

I told Sarah that I have never heard of anyone running a fever from eating too much candy. Doug and I took turns trying to explain that she needs to be fever free for 24 hours before she is going anywhere.

“I won’t breathe on anyone at the game. It’ll be okay.”

Halloween gets tricky

// October 30th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // holidays, parenting, teenagers

What is the Halloween version of the Grinch? Me. Well, if you ask my teenagers, it’s me. Tommy hasn’t gone trick or treating for years, but suddenly he has started mumbling that trick or treating sounds like fun. It’s only mumbling though. He is happy with the long-standing deal that when you stop trick or treating, mom treats you with a bag of candy.

Sarah didn’t go out for the past two years because of school. This year, Halloween is on a Saturday and she is adamant that she will be trick or treating with her 17-y-o boyfriend. I am equally determined that my child who is old enough to work and drive is too old to knock on doors to beg for candy.

Noah is still my baby, but he is taller than me and he has a Gomez Addams mustache. The people handing out treats at Boo at the Zoo visibly disapproved of Noah’s trick or treating and he was scolded by one of them. I suggested to Noah that he is a good age to transition to Mom’s treat bag. Now, he walks around looking at me like I took Christmas away from him.

So, I have less than 24 hours to pull a rabbit out of my hat to make everyone happy. That hat looks mighty empty right now. It looks like this is going to be the year that mom ruined Halloween. Sometimes, being a mom is no fun at all.

boy post updates

// September 24th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // aspergers, preschoolers, school, teenagers

I gave Tommy some suggestions on making his politics paper’s topic more substantial. He went to his grandfather’s and they “discussed” the paper. Tommy called me and whined for an hour that he can’t write a paper without offending someone. I told him that it doesn’t matter what his topic is as long as he has some good stats to back up his argument. I even offered to get his Uncle in on a conference call so that he could hear opposing arguments and make his own choices. Progress made trying to convince Tommy to take a chance and write something = zero.

Noah‘s baby came home on a Friday and it was what people politely call a colicky baby. If you put the doll down, it cried. Noah held the doll constantly. The only time he couldn’t immediately care for the doll was the time his little brother ran all over the house, just out of reach, with the doll’s diaper clutched tightly in his hands. “Mooom, Evan won’t give me the diaper.” Sometime around midnight, Noah fell asleep and so did the doll. The doll never woke. We tried charging the doll, but still, nothing. I wondered if the school was viciously sending home SIDS dolls, but suspected that the doll had been programmed incorrectly. Monday the teacher confirmed that all of the dolls had been mis-programmed. Didn’t we learn anything from Westworld?

Evan came home from preschool with a fever today. I would buy him a pair of pink lace panties if it would make him feel better.

note from the teacher

// September 14th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // school, teenagers

Yesterday, Noah brought home a note that none of my children have ever brought home before. He handed it to me nervously and before I had finished reading the first sentence, Noah started to beg. “Please don’t sign it Mom.” His reasons not to sign it ranged from practical to pitiful. I signed it anyway.

Sometime this semester, Noah will bring home a doll for the weekend. A $500 doll that Noah will forever remember as being responsible for one of the most embarrassing weekends of his life.

Noah was in the room when Evan was born. He held Evan before Doug did. Noah changed more of Evan’s diapers than my father changed of my brothers and mine. If Evan whimpered, Noah would pick him up and rock him. Noah proudly pushed his brother’s stroller in public. Noah’s only complaint about the fragile, noisy, odd smelling person who joined our family was that he never got to feed Evan a bottle. Noah knows where babies come from and that they require around the clock attention. He knows that everything he did for his brother was by choice and that there were adults standing a few inches from them both at all times. He also has enough sense to not be ashamed of a baby.

What this doll will do, is embarrass a 13-year-old boy. “I can’t leave the house with a robot doll.” It will make his father and I a nervous wreck. “It costs five hundred dollars. Don’t let your younger brother near it.” What this doll won’t do, is cause me to get my undies in a twist and indulge Noah’s cries of mortal embarrassment or a guaranteed disaster. “Weird stuff ALWAYS happens to me. I just know it’ll get broken.” Noah is going to have this experience just like everyone else at his school. I know what it’s supposed to teach teens, but I think I will continue to keep the no-questions-asked-condom in the medicine cabinet.

teenager Babel fish

// August 4th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // parenting, teenagers

I say: “It’s not just the rain that makes driving dangerous. It’s also oils that come out of the asphalt when it first starts to sprinkle.”
They hear: “Mwah, mwah, mwah, you are a terrible driver, mwah, mwah, mwah.”

I say: “When you are texting while doing something else, you are missing out on part of the other thing.”
They hear: “Mwah, mwah, mwah, I don’t want you to talk to your friends, mwah, mwah, mwah.”

I say: “Why don’t we paint your ceiling a fun color?”
They hear: “Mwah, mwah, mwah, I hate your room, mwah, mwah, mwah.”

They say: “Well, we don’t really have a plan. We’re just gonna hang out somewhere and do something.”
I hear: “We have been planning for days to get together at someone’s grandmother’s-brother’s farm to play with fire until the wee hours of the morning and then we’ll sleep the entire next day. We will be grumpy for three days afterward from mixed up days and nights.”

The band camp test

// July 31st, 2009 // 4 Comments » // school, teenagers

Even with a drum saving Sarah’s boyfriend from being squished by a teen driver, I forget that we’ve been doing band camp for three years now. It has poured rain every day this week, but the band is still marching, every day, in the monsoon, from 8 in the morning until 8:30 or 9 every night. Yesterday, I sat in the office of another high school waiting for my appointment as a dazed parent wandered in the center of the school preparation chaos.

“Can I help you?”
“Um, yes. My daughter is a freshman, err, is going to be a freshman and doesn’t want to come to band camp anymore. How do I get band off her class schedule?”
“Well, the guidance counselor is away for training all week. Maybe you can reach her by e-mail.”
“Oh, uh, thanks. We’re going home now.”
“Good luck.”

I squirmed in my chair and bit my tongue so that I didn’t blurt, “You AND your child need to go talk to the band director right now.”

Sarah says:

// June 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // kid quotes, school, teenagers

Me: “Sarah, how many pages have you gotten done in your summer sketchbook so far?”
Sarah: “I did a lot of other art stuff today.”
Me: “Such as?”
Sarah: “I decorated my sketch board.”