Domestic Psychology

no guilt allowed

// May 21st, 2009 // 2 Comments » // parenting, school, teenagers

Dear Katie,
You have given your children love and support since before they were born. You have done NOTHING to warrant any kind of guilt inflicted upon yourself. Stomp that feeling into the dirt and keep doing what you were already doing.
Love, Cathy

When we first become parents, we have prepared by reading 5 dozen books on parenting that over-analyze and obsess about every detail of infancy and toddler-hood. The instructions for preschool and beyond are simply, “send them to school.” Instincts tell us to help with homework, volunteer to run the copy machine for the teacher twice a year and say yes to whatever the PTA tells you to do. Everything else is on-the-job learning. Nobody warns you that your child might learn differently. You have probably unconsciously adapted your parenting style to accommodate your child’s needs all along. It can still be a complete shock to the system when you suddenly have a light bulb click over your head as you realize that there is actually something going on that’s not “he just needs to apply himself.” Parents are not taught to know about learning differences. You know who is? Teachers. I promise you without a shadow of a doubt that there were some teachers who just knew that your child needed to be taught differently. You know what they can do with that knowledge? Nothing. Teachers are trapped in a bureaucracy that weighs on their talents like a ton of bricks. They can’t identify anything for fear that the school will be made accountable for some new expense. They can’t change the curriculum that they planned without someone questioning their decision to do so. They are so over-scheduled that the school year is over before they can sneak in adaptations that could help. School administration needs to change. NCLB and IDEA need to be rewritten to stop asking schools to pay for things that should be billed as medical expenses. An uninsured child in the hospital can be fast tracked onto TennCare. Schools need that kind of power to get help for students. More than anything, teachers need to be given more freedom to help their students. Parents and teachers have too much work to do to get mired in unwarranted guilt. Politicians need to stop wasting time and focus on making a difference. Our children can’t wait.

new OS for Noah

// March 13th, 2009 // No Comments » // parenting, scouts, teenagers

As I drove Noah to his middle school band concert, he talked about the songs he was going to be playing. No. That’s not an accurate description of our conversation. It would be more accurate to say that Noah spoke sheet music slang and I nodded my head while saying “mmhmm.”

“So then, during the spy song, I get to use all the fun stuff. Like, I use the whack thing and go clack-clack when the band goes boom-boom-boom and then I shake the things that are like maracas but aren’t and I go sha-shoo-sha-shoo while the band goes mwa-mwa and then . . . ”

After three song descriptions, I asked Noah if he was nervous about the concert. “Well, no, I mean, uh, not really, but maybe I guess I am.” I told him he would do just fine and to relax and enjoy the music.

“You just jinxed me! I’ll mess up now and everyone will hear me miss my note! Why did you do that?!?”

Sigh. Noah will not be 13 until May and I did not see the paperwork requesting early entry to teenage melodrama. This development was not pre-approved. I think I’ll just ship Mr. Adolescent off to camp with the Boy Scouts for Spring Break. They’ll love having an extra personality or three.

torturing the teen

// January 2nd, 2009 // 6 Comments » // parenting, teenagers

teen: “Can I spend the day at the park with my boyfriend?”
me: “The park? That sounds like fun. We’ll bring your little brothers and sister and make a day of it.”
tip-tap sounds of texting on phone
teen: “We changed our minds. We’re just gonna hang out at the mall.”
me: “The mall? We haven’t taken the family to the mall in ages. Won’t you be glad to have your boyfriend along to help watch the little people?”

selective hearing

// December 22nd, 2008 // 2 Comments » // Doug, parenting, people, teenagers

We frequently have people tell us, “We can certainly tell that Amy has older siblings.”

Doug hears: “Amy is so bright.”
I hear: “Amy has a teenager’s mouth.”

I’m not a pageant mom, but . . .

// December 9th, 2008 // 6 Comments » // parenting, school, teenagers

When life was so simple that I could get worked up over things that don’t matter, I complained about the evils of putting small children in beauty pageants. I made sure everyone knew I was boycotting the televised pageants for 18-year-olds. I was very confident and uncompromising in my brilliant pre-parent years. Then, I had children. I still refused the pageant suggestions, but when I thought we were safely past the child modeling years, I was blindsided where I wasn’t expecting it. Color Guard. Flag Corps. Whatever you want to call the high school and older girls who twirls flags and wood rifles. They are the gateway drug to evil. Maybe I’m exaggerating a teeny bit. Let’s review how we got here.

Since I decided in my know everything years that students who are involved in school activities are less likely to get into trouble, I enthusiastically supported all of Sarah’s clubs and activities in middle school. The summer before her freshman year of high school, it was clear that she wanted to be in the color guard. It seemed wholesome and just the right amount of time consumption. Sure, it was expensive, but if it turned out to be her thing, it could be her way to pay for college. All of our children know that they are going to work their way through college, but it’s up to them if their job will be washing dishes or marching on the field at football games. The first hint that I didn’t know what I had agreed to with Color Guard was last year’s “no underwear” uniform. In order to avoid unsightly lines showing, the girls wore nothing under their costumes. I was less than thrilled, but spent enough years in theater to understand. Revelation number two came after the outside temperature made the underwear-less uniforms too revealing and the girls were asked to duct tape the overly perky area of their anatomy. This still bothers me. It seems dangerous to use heavy duty tape on any skin. This year the girls wore unitards under their costumes and I thought we were past the surprises. I was wrong.

“Can I be on the winter guard team?” I didn’t understand why there was a color guard team after football season ended, but Sarah loves color guard and as long as Sarah is making straight A’s, it’s hard to complain. Winter guard is a thirty minute drive to the other side of town and is a blend of flag happy girls from several different high schools. Practice is 3 – 5 times a week. The cost is ridiculous, but they kindly allow us to make several $100 payments. Mmkay. The first new revelation was that winter guard is the extreme sport version of Color Guard. Apparently, the regular season team at her high school is adjusted activity to make girls of all sizes able to participate. Before anyone gets offended, I know that all of those girls are more physically active than I am. Winter guard is dance, gymnastics and lots of falling down. Not oops I tripped, but drop flat on your face on purpose falling down. Sarah’s knees were one giant purple bruise the first few practices. Then, Sarah started making casual comments in passing. For example, as she was walking out the door she would suddenly remember, “I’m not allowed to get my haircut until after competitions end in March, but at least I don’t hafta get extensions like some of the other girls.” Blink-blink. High school students getting hair extensions? That’s kuh-ray-zee. Next came the coach’s request that she get contact lenses asap. Yesterday it was, “we’re all coloring our hair black to contrast our uniforms.” What? This is getting completely out of control. Next thing I know they’ll all be asking for implants and tattoo lip liner. This is starting to feel a lot like a beauty pageant.

it can’t all be art

// November 18th, 2008 // 4 Comments » // teenagers

The road beside the high school is in the process of getting a much needed sidewalk. Currently, teenagers walk all over the road, oblivious to the fact that they are endangering themselves. The sidewalks are intended to reduce the mobs of teenagers darting out in front of cars before and after school. I commented to Sarah that I was surprised the teens hadn’t vandalized the cement before it set. “Well, that’s because every afternoon the workers stand and block the new part of sidewalk from students.” I told her that sounded like a very wise decision by the contractor. “But if they won’t let the students write in it, they should at least let the people who made the sidewalk leave their hand prints.” I tried to explain that it was a sidewalk and not a work of art, but this conversation just went round and round.

Sarah decided to help us paint the living room. She did so complaining the entire time. “We should have left the walls all splotchy.” Doug and I tried to explain that the first coat of paint was splotchy, but each additional coat would help even out the color. “It looks better with lots of variation in the color. Solid walls are boring.” Doug and Sarah danced around and around a few more times before I finally relented and told Sarah I will let her have one wall in the house to paint however she wants.

It would be really fun if the world was a giant art gallery and everything was unique and creative, but deep down, this isn’t about art. This is about a teenager who just enjoys being contrary.

evil car commercials

// November 11th, 2008 // No Comments » // music, teenagers

Sarah was sitting at the table painting. She was crabby that she’d been kicked out of her room so that Amy could sleep. Suddenly, she perked up. “I love this song.” She walked in the living room to see why one of her songs was on the television. Her jaw dropped to the floor and made a thud. “I hate car commercials. They ruin good music.” I feel your pain Sarah.

flabbergasted

// November 4th, 2008 // 5 Comments » // politics, technology, teenagers, TN

“But WHY are you supporting Obama? My parents said he ___.” “My parents said they didn’t know what the Charter Amendments were, so they just voted no.”

Half a dozen 15 to 17 year-old girls stayed here last night. They grilled me about politics. They were armed with misinformation but eager to discuss issues, ideas and opinions. Some of the things that they accepted as fact were ridiculously false. Teenagers may be plugged in, but there isn’t a lot of fact checking on MySpace and FaceBook. “Every time we ask our parents or teachers for an explanation they tell us they’re too busy.” These girls who will be voting in the next four years WANTED to talk politics. What about the facts they are overhearing from their parents? Are they getting all of their information from rumors and gossip? Were we all running on misinformation before we became engaged on the Internet? Is this level of disengagement from truth only in TN? During discussions about schools in TN, I hear over and over again that “It was good enuf fer me” and I have listened to this year’s campaigns insult intelligence. How long are we going to be the state that embraces a culture of the uneducated?

the family vote

// November 1st, 2008 // 9 Comments » // parenting, politics, school, teenagers

I have always liked the excitement of voting on election day. It’s political junkie Christmas. This year, with the college freshman voting for the first time, it just seemed wise to be early voters. As always, we loaded up the entire family to visit the polls. “Why do we ALL have to go?” “Because it’s important.” The grandparents called and joking tried to discourage us from canceling out their votes. “The lines are HUGE. You’ll be there for hours. You should wait and vote Tuesday night after 5 pm.” They sincerely offered to watch the two youngest children while we voted. I decided that taking feral child to the polls was more for me than for him, so the children played with their grandparents while the rest of us voted. Well, Doug, Tommy and I voted while Noah looked bored and Sarah complained.

Doug asked for a demo machine that Tommy could practice on despite the fact that Tommy went into the curtain and got a lengthy lecture from me while I voted last year. “Anytime you have a question, you stop touching the machine and ask for help.” There was no practice machine and Doug was further irked when they said the machine directions were printed and taped to a table in the back of the room. I am over it, but still annoyed that high school students don’t use the machines for student body elections. I even asked the high school if a sample machine could be brought in for all the special ed students to see, but that idea was rejected. We’re beyond that now. Tommy calmly walked off and voted without any assistance.

Noah went with Doug and Sarah went with me. Sarah did her very best to play by the 15-y-o girl rulebook. She acted bored, complained a lot and argued with everything I said. I tried to distract her game and told her to work the machine for me. “Turn the knob to put the numbers in the machine.” Sarah was horrified. She tapped all over the screen, determined to prove to me that the machine couldn’t possibly be so archaic as to have an old knob instead of a cursor or touch screen. I tried to be nonchalant while mentally having a mini panic attack. “Oh no! I tried to engage my daughter in the political process and she thinks I’ve taken her to a primitive campsite where you have to rub sticks together to make fire.” She worked her way through the ballot until we reached the review screen which I always stare at and read several times. Then, she pushed the big button. I stepped away from the machine with a nervous buzz. Did I follow the directions exactly? Will this machine be one of the machines that eats votes? Sarah went right back to her ‘this is totally pointless and boring’ behavior.

We celebrated Tommy’s first vote with frozen yogurt because I’m not creative enough to come up with an appropriately symbolic way to celebrate. The next day, we found out that his peers hadn’t registered so they could vote this year. I knew their birthdays. I should have sent them voter registration cards. I wonder if things would be different if Tennessee high schools required civics classes. The high school students did have a mock election yesterday. Obama was the students’ choice. Maybe he was their parents’ choice and they were just voting whatever they’ve heard their parents say. Either way, even though the win was uncomfortably close, it’s still a good sign in this very Republican part of the country. While driving Sarah and her friend to Winter Guard practice at another high school, the friend let it slip that the sign in our yard has been a source of annoyance for another parent. I smiled quietly when the friend asked if I had early voted and Sarah answered for me. “We all went and I voted FOR my mom.”

The elementary school is having a mock election on Monday. Amy woke me up at 7 a.m. this morning asking me to help her make a sign to wave at the elementary school election. Since I had been awake past 2 a.m. fetching the high schooler from a bonfire party and packing for the middle schooler to go camping this morning, I begged for more sleep. When I came upstairs, I found a piece of poster board bigger than Amy decorated with clouds, birds and the words “Obama” and “Biden.”

hoodie > sweater

// October 3rd, 2008 // No Comments » // blogher, clothing, parenting, teenagers

Me: “Sarah, do you have a sweater for DC?”
Sarah: “Ew. Sweaters are for old people.”
Me: “I meant a pullover sweater, not a button up sweater.”
Sarah: “Ugh. That is so gross.”
I am going to look old and gross at BlogHer. Sarah is going to look cold. I’m not sure which is worse.