“You’ve trained the cats to beg for food from your dinner plate.” “At least they aren’t raccoons.” “I accidentally cracked my phone screen, but there are not raccoon scratches on our door.” “There’s cat fur all over my clean shirts.” “There ISN’T raccoon fur on your laundry.” “I failed to get the Netflix dvd in […]
“Are E and I your rugrats?” “You’re my loin fruit.” “Ew! Mom! What is wrong with you?”
How to make children run away screaming while their arms swat at invisible bees: 1. Walk toward child slowly with one arm reaching toward the child. 2. Say, “I accidentally got too much lotion.”
Staring at the cable guide, trying to choose a program to watch and “Go? Got? Got ham? What’s that about? Oh, #%!* it says Gotham. Why is the guide so tiny?”
Blanket-no-Blanket Every time the outside temperature drops a degree, ask for another blanket. Fall asleep under every blanket you own. In the middle of the night, start kicking at the excessive pile of blankets. Continue until all blankets are on the floor. Spend the next day washing every blanket you own. Repeat nightly. Imaginary Sleep […]
I had to drive StacheMan to the Grands so that he could housesit for them. Driving to the Grands is something that I do on auto pilot. The same goes for the children’s schools, the grocery and the bullseye store. Routine routes are stressless. I sang to the songs on the radio while StacheMan monologued […]
Me: “I’m going out to run errands. Need anything?” Family: “Nope.” I text home two hours later. “Heading home unless anyone needs something.” Text from child: “Nobody needs anything.” I come home, unload groceries and sit down to remove my shoes and read email. An hour later, I remove my bra and spend half an […]
The older he gets, the more familiar my father becomes with death. Last breaths at hospital bedsides, holding the hand of a neighbor internally hemorrhaging on the curb, waiting with a friend for professionals to remove their spouse from the home and endlessly facing his own mortality is my father’s life. Every time death happens, […]
I would like to apologize to everyone who was forever traumatized by the sight of me flipping backwards from my tube yesterday. Actually, the pasty white, overweight, middle aged lady flipping was probably hilarious to watch. The horrible sight of me standing up afterwards, however, almost certainly made you drop your ziploc baggies of cigarettes, […]