like being haunted

Every time I sit down to blog something, whatever I try writing ends up involving my dead father. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried composing things solely in my head to see if it releases the memories into a magical void. It’s all still there. Maybe I need to vomit a billion words about it […]

enough already

First time without… First time without… First time without… I would really like to skip ahead to the part where I am happy that we had so many good memories together. Crying while holding a sobbing child in a cloud of firework smoke is exhaustingly discordant.

slow burn

Doug’s parents drove across several states to help out with funeral preparations. Upon arrival, they claimed the most difficult task. They took the youngest child shopping for appropriate funeral attire AND convinced him to wear the clothing that wasn’t shorts and a t-shirt. After using their magical grandparent powers to shop with him, Nanny asked […]

now I talk to myself

I still can’t make it a day without reaching for the phone to send Dad a picture or tell him something. On his coffee at Hardees days, I still time my shower so that I will be dressed before he drops by the house. I still cry every time I catch myself doing those things. […]

faking it

E: “What will we do without him?” Me: “I honestly don’t know sweetie. I think we have to figure it out as we go.”

Sometimes, I write obituaries

William L Collier left this Earth on February 15th, 2016, surrounded by family and friends. Though the exact measure of truth and exaggeration in his stories will never be known, a few things are definitely true. He was falsely accused of dying as an infant, then sold to a loving family. His first job was […]

Homemade Gifts

My siblings and I exchange homemade gifts every Christmas. It is much more fun than trying to shop for the perfect thing with a limited budget. This year, Doug made wind chimes and I made cat toys. Last year we made decorative bottle lights and paired them with a matching unopened bottle of adult beverage. […]

timing is everything

Me: “I’m going out to run errands. Need anything?” Family: “Nope.” I text home two hours later. “Heading home unless anyone needs something.” Text from child: “Nobody needs anything.” I come home, unload groceries and sit down to remove my shoes and read email. An hour later, I remove my bra and spend half an […]

tragicomedy

The older he gets, the more familiar my father becomes with death. Last breaths at hospital bedsides, holding the hand of a neighbor internally hemorrhaging on the curb, waiting with a friend for professionals to remove their spouse from the home and endlessly facing his own mortality is my father’s life. Every time death happens, […]