Thanksgiving 2016

Thanksgiving 2016 A photo posted by Cathy McCaughan (@cathymccaughan) on Nov 25, 2016 at 6:08am PST Peak happiness is all of the children (who are no longer children) at home.

super chill

Today was wonderful. All the children were home. My mother was here. We talked, ate, talked more and laughed. I felt no anxiety. I rolled with problems. It was perfect. I’m thinking about taking a non-sick, non-stressed, celebrate my state of not-worrying-about-people-and-politics day off tomorrow. I actually feel guilty that I am able to have […]

sum of the parts

“Wait. Is Granny sticking her hand in a dryer fire when you were little the reason you nag everyone so much about cleaning the dryer vents?” “I am everything that has happened in my past plus generations of genetic memory.” “Does that mean yes?” “Yes.”

like being haunted

Every time I sit down to blog something, whatever I try writing ends up involving my dead father. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried composing things solely in my head to see if it releases the memories into a magical void. It’s all still there. Maybe I need to vomit a billion words about it […]

enough already

First time without… First time without… First time without… I would really like to skip ahead to the part where I am happy that we had so many good memories together. Crying while holding a sobbing child in a cloud of firework smoke is exhaustingly discordant.

slow burn

Doug’s parents drove across several states to help out with funeral preparations. Upon arrival, they claimed the most difficult task. They took the youngest child shopping for appropriate funeral attire AND convinced him to wear the clothing that wasn’t shorts and a t-shirt. After using their magical grandparent powers to shop with him, Nanny asked […]

now I talk to myself

I still can’t make it a day without reaching for the phone to send Dad a picture or tell him something. On his coffee at Hardees days, I still time my shower so that I will be dressed before he drops by the house. I still cry every time I catch myself doing those things. […]

faking it

E: “What will we do without him?” Me: “I honestly don’t know sweetie. I think we have to figure it out as we go.”