Domestic Psychology | Tag Archive

It only takes a village if they’re under 21

// March 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // child welfare, life, me, people, teenagers

When I saw the son of family friends standing in the rain, I had to offer him a ride. When I noticed he was holding 3 cases of beer, I couldn’t help but ask if he was having a party. “No, just don’t want to go out in the rain again.” As I dropped him off at his house, he casually mentioned that his parents were away. If this boy was a few months younger, I would have immediately called his mother to make sure she knew what he was doing. Because he is 21, I am somewhere in the whatever I do won’t be right zone. Nobody wants reports on their 21-y-o’s behavior if they aren’t breaking any laws. That’s just being a busybody. Yet, by doing nothing, I feel like I’m breaking the mom code. A date on a calendar doesn’t magically make someone mature enough to make good decisions. Drinking alone just seems dangerous. My seriously unscientific survey on Twitter had a unanimous “don’t tell” response, so I’m not telling. I will still be worrying excessively.

further proof they think I’m stupid

// January 23rd, 2009 // 2 Comments » // kid quotes, parenting, teenagers

boyfriend: “Text me after you ask your mother.”
Sarah: “I will. Buh-bye.”
- Sarah gets in the car and we begin the drive home. -
Sarah: “Soooooo, do uh, we have any uh, plans tonight?”
Me: “What do you and Z have planned?”
Sarah: “How did you know we have plans?”

I won’t love, but can I like?

// January 9th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // parenting, teenagers

Teenage romances are practices for adult relationships. They are almost always temporary. Knowing this, how are we supposed to feel about our children’s dates? I know we can’t have the special person join along on all the family outings. Are we allowed to like the boyfriend/girlfriend of the moment? Is it truly terrible if I think the person my child is dating is amazing? Would revealing my approval of the significant other doom the relationship?

torturing the teen

// January 2nd, 2009 // 6 Comments » // parenting, teenagers

teen: “Can I spend the day at the park with my boyfriend?”
me: “The park? That sounds like fun. We’ll bring your little brothers and sister and make a day of it.”
tip-tap sounds of texting on phone
teen: “We changed our minds. We’re just gonna hang out at the mall.”
me: “The mall? We haven’t taken the family to the mall in ages. Won’t you be glad to have your boyfriend along to help watch the little people?”

it can’t all be art

// November 18th, 2008 // 4 Comments » // teenagers

The road beside the high school is in the process of getting a much needed sidewalk. Currently, teenagers walk all over the road, oblivious to the fact that they are endangering themselves. The sidewalks are intended to reduce the mobs of teenagers darting out in front of cars before and after school. I commented to Sarah that I was surprised the teens hadn’t vandalized the cement before it set. “Well, that’s because every afternoon the workers stand and block the new part of sidewalk from students.” I told her that sounded like a very wise decision by the contractor. “But if they won’t let the students write in it, they should at least let the people who made the sidewalk leave their hand prints.” I tried to explain that it was a sidewalk and not a work of art, but this conversation just went round and round.

Sarah decided to help us paint the living room. She did so complaining the entire time. “We should have left the walls all splotchy.” Doug and I tried to explain that the first coat of paint was splotchy, but each additional coat would help even out the color. “It looks better with lots of variation in the color. Solid walls are boring.” Doug and Sarah danced around and around a few more times before I finally relented and told Sarah I will let her have one wall in the house to paint however she wants.

It would be really fun if the world was a giant art gallery and everything was unique and creative, but deep down, this isn’t about art. This is about a teenager who just enjoys being contrary.

Sarah helped with the painting

// November 14th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // flickr, home, teenagers

teenagers deserve to be blogged

// October 27th, 2008 // 16 Comments » // blogging, kid quotes, parenting, teenagers

Overheard in the high school band room:
“My mother blogs everything. You might find yourself on the Internet.”

Overheard through child’s bedroom door:
Tween reading my blog out loud to his friend, followed by, “My family is funny.”

There are mountains of blogs detailing the adventures of pregnancy and parenting UNTIL those children become teens. At that point, many bloggers turn their focus to personal hobbies or quit posting altogether. The reasons are valid. They don’t want to tell the stories that their children could someday tell for themselves. The things that teenagers do just aren’t as cute or easy to talk about as the things that babies and toddlers do and say. They don’t want to embarrass their children. Then, there are those of us who just keep on journaling. We know that our teens are perfectly capable of telling their own versions of the stories on their Facebook pages. My children are an important part of my life. I don’t WANT to avoid writing about them. We may have to write things through gritted teeth or with a hard earned sense of humor, but why would we keep written records of our lives only to a certain point? Writers write. Bloggers blog.

Noah recently complained that I blog more about Sarah than I blog about him. I do because I understand her ridiculous hormonally driven behaviors and attitudes. I do, because watching her making the mistakes I made frustrates me and drives me to ~~drink~~ blog. Noah, on the other hand, bewilders me. I have been a parent for more than 18 years and I am still struck silent by some of the things that adolescent boys do. I don’t know how to blog about my son abusing himself to Markie Post (Just kidding. He doesn’t know who Markie Post is). I don’t know how his mind works. I only know that he is incredibly compassionate, bright and sensitive. I know he feels forgotten and under-appreciated as the middle child. I just don’t want him to feel like he isn’t good fodder for blog posts. Or, maybe he should just stop keeping score of blog posts.

no post, just links

// September 9th, 2008 // No Comments » // blogging, blogher, child welfare, local, me, people

Tennessee. The state where our plan to reduce teen pregnancy is to threaten the boys with loss of income and jail. The same state whose plan to reduce teen violence is to pay children to be informants. Be sure to read the compassionate, intelligent and helpful comments under each news article.

On a completely serious note, please follow @mysweetlife on Twitter and send her every ounce of love and support that you can. She needs it.

Then, visit Kelby Carr and read how she is trying to help a fellow blogger whose spouse is looking for work. Don’t be cynical and say I only want a free pass to BlogHer. Because of the generosity of others, Sarah and I have tickets to BlogHer in Nashville. That is a topic for a separate post. We have used our share of good luck for the year. If I did get that ticket, I would just have to give it away to an East TN blogger.

bad things happen

// August 21st, 2008 // 3 Comments » // local, people, teenagers

Something bad happened in Knoxville today. As soon as it happened, some people began seeking solutions. Some people just wanted to place blame. Memories of the school, the community, the past and the present are being woven into the story. I did not attend this school. I attended a school of privilege in a city on the other end of this state. In the student parking lot of my school were rows and rows of vehicles bought for the students whose parents paid for them to attend the school. In the window of almost every pickup was a gun. In the glove box of many of the sports cars, were guns. Any student or teacher could have easily accessed a gun to permanently solve a temporary problem, but they didn’t. Bad things happened at other places though. I haven’t forgotten the UT Martin student who was slowly beaten to death in his apartment. There were shootings in schools, too.

I have no doubt that there were students in my school with painful stories, but they must have had something inside of them that children who kill don’t have. Maybe they used to have it and they lost it. Maybe someone or something suffocated that thing inside of them and left them with a hollow emptiness that nothing could fill. Maybe that thing was never allowed to grow inside of them. I don’t know. I don’t even know how to describe that thing, that respect for life and hope for the future. The only thing I know for certain is that we can’t start trying to reach children when they get to high school and we shouldn’t stop trying to reach them until they pull that trigger. After the trigger is pulled, I wish I still believed that there is always hope, but I don’t. I have seen the dead in the eyes of children who have killed. I have listened to their hollow words. Incarceration makes them worse, but it is the only place they can function.

We can’t give up and write off this generation of children. We have to try harder to give them the love and compassion that they are not getting elsewhere. We have to instill in children, from the day that they are born, a sense of hope and optimism. They have to understand that every life is a precious gift which shouldn’t be squandered. They have to believe that things can always get better. I don’t want to blame guns because the problem is not that simple. I just can’t escape the thought that if there hadn’t been a gun at Central High School today, a 15-year-old boy would not have died there. I know that if I worked for our local media, I would delete every single comment and article saying anything even remotely negative about the victim. He didn’t use a gun. Stop blaming him. Now.

The good has to outweigh the bad.