When Amy came home from the hospital, Doug was a little overprotective. No, that’s wrong. Doug was neurotically overprotective but it was funny and sweet. One day when she was only a few days old, Doug was standing over her bassinet, changing her diaper. I must divert from the point of this story to talk about how Doug started out changing diapers. Keep in mind that this was a breastfed baby whose diapers were the consistency of watery mustard with a unique but not horrible smell. Doug would vocally bemoan the tremendous mess as he folded a wet wipe into a small square. He’d dab a bit here, refold, dab again, then set the wipe aside for another. He would use 6 or more wipes on every mess that came out of a bottom which would fit in the palm of your hand. While the whole unwrapped pile of diaper and wipes was dropped into the diaper pail, Amy would pee on the bassinet sheet and the dramatics would continue. So, while Doug was busy with this routine, I put away some folded clothes in the dresser drawers. When Doug screamed like a girl I spun around and saw him standing over Amy flapping his arms and freaking out because he accidently pulled off her umbilical stump too soon. In the time it took me to walk over, look and adjust her diaper, Doug had called the pediatrician’s office and was hysterically asking if he needed to take the baby to the hospital. The nurses were patient and understanding while they calmed him down but I am certain that they laughed until they peed after they got off the phone. When my mother came over and matter-of-factly pushed and squeezed the umbilical cord while she crammed a q-tip dipped in peroxide in the raw cord area I sincerely thought Doug would pass out. A few days later we visited Doug’s mother and she horrified Doug by telling him repeatedly that he needed to somehow tape that area down so our child wouldn’t have an outie because outies are just so ugly. In the end, Amy turned out just fine without any ridiculous girdles. However, when I finally agreed to have Amy’s tongue snipped (something I agonized over for a month), I was actually happy that Doug was out-of-town because I am certain that the procedure would have put Doug flat on the floor.

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