I try to set the timer on the tv so that it turns off at the same time that I fall asleep. Sometimes, I nod off too quickly and the tv drips into my dreams. Last night, I dreamed about some show called ‘Grams & Glum.’ It’s a crime solving show with Angela Lansbury and her emo granddaughter. I should probably pay more attention to which channel the tv is on when I am sleepy.
If you need to adjust the temperature in the house,
click the thermostat and rotate to the menu screen. It might be easier if you download the app. I will need to create a profile for you. text me and I will change the thermostat settings for you.
If the smoke alarm goes off, I will call you.
Each dog gets a scoop of food twice a day. The scoop is inside the dog food bucket. The old dog likes to have company when she eats. Make sure she doesn’t steal the cat food when she is done with her food. The neurotic dog has to eat in private. If she hears a loud noise during her meal, she won’t eat.
The boy cats get three scoops of food twice a day. The girl cat gets two scoops. The scoop is a coffee spoon inside the cat food bucket. Don’t look away from the bucket of cat food when the lid is open or the orange boy cat will eat all of the food. Make sure the lid is locked or the orange boy cat will open the food bucket. Don’t let the orange boy cat steal the other cats’ food. Don’t let him steal the old dog’s food either.
The girl cat gets steroids for her hips. Put them under her tongue. She does not like them.
All the furry animals get a treat at bedtime. Treats are in the toy box in the basement. Don’t let the orange boy cat steal the other cats’ treats. Don’t let him steal the dog treats either.
Don’t worry about the snake’s food. He doesn’t eat again for a week. He just needs fresh water once a day, unless there is skin in his water dish. He hates that. Please pick the skin out of his water dish.
Every extended family gathering:
“You won’t die from an allergic reaction if you eat an onion, will you?”
“No. I will vomit though.”
“Great! You can eat around them.”
“Hey Cathy, want more onions? Ha-Ha!”
“I put extra onions it, just for Cathy. Hee-Hee!”
Making me physically ill is great and hilarious… if you’re a jerk.
He: “What do you think of the book I gave you to read?”
She: “I’m enjoying it except for the distractingly misogynist attitudes of the author.”
Wrong answer – He: “What misogyny?”
Right answer – He: “I’m glad you like it.”
Thanks to a successful marketing campaign that had my two youngest asking DAILY if they could go, we went to see Big Hero 6. It’s a cute movie, but I would have preferred to wait and buy the Blu-ray. Feast, the short before Big Hero 6 is absolutely wonderful. Go see Feast. Before Big Hero 6 and Feast, there were trailers for upcoming movies.
Spare Parts – A robotics team version of the ‘teacher rescuing high school students’ trope. Wait until your local robotics team is hosting a screening as a fundraiser.
Paddington – Paddington looks like Stuart Little with better effects and no Dr. House. Wait until it gets to Netflix.
Minions – Toilet humor with a classic rock soundtrack. Buy the soundtrack. See the movie on Netflix.
Penguins of Madagascar – See above.
Inside Out – Gave me Nick Jr flashbacks. Netflix.
Tomorrowland – I am cautiously optimistic about this film, but I’ll decide when they release more than the tiny blips of film with George Clooney’s voiceover that we’ve been seeing for months.
Annie – Go see this at the theatre and sing no matter what you think your voice sounds like to others. Then, prepare yourself for all the viral videos of children singing and dancing to the soundtrack.
SuperTween has always been petite. She wasn’t a preemie. She has no serious health issues. She simply never made it above the 10 percentile on height. Every year at her checkup, I asked if she needed to visit a specialist about her height. Every year, they pondered her chart for a millisecond before telling me that they wouldn’t give me a referral unless she dropped to zero on the average height chart.
Over the years, she met and exceeded her developmental milestones. After she began middle school, she developed curves and her maturity increased exponentially. At the same time, SuperTween’s brother who is three years younger than her, caught up to her on height.
At her checkup this summer, it finally happened. She dropped off the height chart. I asked about a specialist. They said that puberty is the cut-off point for most of the treatments used to help with growth problems. While in my heart I know that I would have been hard pressed to agree to the risks of growth hormones for a few inches of height, I am sad that SuperTween was never given that choice to make.
I worry that her height will interfere with her ability to drive a car and have romantic relationships. I worry about her being trampled in high school hallways. I worry about her being teased and bullied. I wore a full back brace in 7th and 8th grade. I know how adolescent ignorance can sting and scar.
At the same time, I know that SuperTween is stronger than I was at that age. She is stubborn and determined. She holds her own in a house full of loud and rowdy brothers. I can easily see her shouting commands as a coxswain. Is there a musical rowing league? SuperTween’s singing voice is as loud as it is lovely. She would be amazing.
She already is amazing.
Q: “Why do you try so hard to avoid the Interstate? There are no traffic lights to slow you down and it’s more direct than zig-zagging all over neighborhoods.”
A: Knoxville Interstate drivers take it as a personal affront if someone merges in front of them and they aggressively try to avoid allowing anyone to switch lanes. Knoxville Interstates are dominated by the selfish and rude drivers.
Knoxville drivers on the streets will sit at a four way stop for a million years while they wave for the other drivers to go first. Knoxville drivers on the streets will cause a traffic jam stopping to let opposite direction drivers turn left in front of them. Unless they are driving a Humvee or a similarly oversized vehicle, Knoxville streets are filled with mostly polite and thoughtful drivers.
Staring at the cable guide, trying to choose a program to watch and
“Go? Got? Got ham? What’s that about? Oh, #%!* it says Gotham. Why is the guide so tiny?”