mornings + adolescence = misery

“Today was the worst day EVER. I was running late to the bus when I tried to use my pockets and figured out my pants were on backwards. I ran back home as fast as I could to fix them, but my shoelaces were a big knot and I couldn’t get them untied. I ran […]

weaponized pits

“Did you use deodorant?” “No, but last night I used enough to last all week.” “It really doesn’t work like that. You put deodorant on every morning like it’s your armour. Only instead of it protecting you, it saves the rest of the family from the stink bullets that shoot out of your armpits.” “Ewww. […]

somniloquy

“One of the gloves is spinning too fast. I hear it clicking.” “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I think you’re asleep.” “I’m not talking. It’s the gloves.” Either my child is a spy and I don’t understand her secret code or she’s experiencing Color Guard withdrawal. I’m going with spy. Spying is the new […]

southern gothic

“I want a bamboo forest behind the house that blocks out all light and heat.” “You want a dark forest in our backyard?” “Yes!” “Will it have the usual inhabitants?” “Yes, but they’ll keep to the forest. Actually, I want to live in a castle.” “I’ll get right on that.”

Venus & Mars

He: “Why are you frowning?” She: “I fell down the driveway and borked my knee.” What she wanted him to say: Sorry about your knee. What he said instead: “Do you want me to see if they can put better soles on your shoes?” How she responded: “I’d like them dropped in an active volcano.” […]

On purpose?

A's friend: "You should change your hair to red." A: "My mom accidentally colored her hair red. < – turns to me – > It's not that bad, though." Me: "I chose this color intentionally." A: "What? On purpose? You… It's… Uh… Nevermind." A's friend: < – temporarily speechless because she's trying not to laugh […]

more verbal than non

“And then we went to Lunsford’s and I played with everything while mom got my trumpet and then I collected more pokeballs cause their gazebo is a stop and then we went to Target and got school supplies and mom bought me gum! Why did you make a face when I said gum, mom? Dad, […]

tooth dilemma

The youngest child lost another baby tooth because he is “NOT a baby.” At bedtime, I put it in a small ziploc and handed it to him for tucking under his pillow. He held the bag up to a light and studied the tooth. “You know, I really like doing the tooth fairy thing because […]

But don’t put your tongue on a flagpole

The 10-y-o and the 13-y-o were having a lengthy and slightly agitated discussion about extreme cold. A: “Well, C said that she knew somebody who peed outside and the pee froze before it hit the ground.” E: “You can make pee-sicles?” A: “That’s what I heard.” Then, Dad chimed in with a lecture about temperatures, […]