just when you think it’s getting easier

Granny: “I have to get some sleep tonight. I’ll be up late watching the Cubs tomorrow night.” Me: “Since when do you like baseball?” Granny “I have to watch it for him.” He spent his entire life believing in the Cubs. All those decades of waiting and now that he’s gone…

like being haunted

Every time I sit down to blog something, whatever I try writing ends up involving my dead father. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried composing things solely in my head to see if it releases the memories into a magical void. It’s all still there. Maybe I need to vomit a billion words about it […]

enough already

First time without… First time without… First time without… I would really like to skip ahead to the part where I am happy that we had so many good memories together. Crying while holding a sobbing child in a cloud of firework smoke is exhaustingly discordant.

slow burn

Doug’s parents drove across several states to help out with funeral preparations. Upon arrival, they claimed the most difficult task. They took the youngest child shopping for appropriate funeral attire AND convinced him to wear the clothing that wasn’t shorts and a t-shirt while we visited the funeral home to discuss which funeral plans we […]

now I talk to myself

I still can’t make it a day without reaching for the phone to send Dad a picture or tell him something. On his coffee at Hardees days, I still time my shower so that I will be dressed before he drops by the house. I still cry every time I catch myself doing those things. […]


“E refuses to let me check his homework.” “Why?” “I think he’s afraid I’ll cry or puke on it.” < - extended silence -> “Maybe his older siblings should check his homework for a while.”

tangled thoughts

Watching my parents attend funeral after funeral of family and friends is heartbreaking. I’m in my forties and it still wrecks me to see either of my parents cry. I still surprise myself at what tips me over the edge. Today, it was the last remaining sibling’s name on his big brother’s list of Pallbearers. […]