Tag: humor

School mornings

High School Freshman one hour before it’s time to leave: “I don’t want to be late. Let’s leave already.” High School Senior fifteen minutes before first bell: “I have plenty of time. I don’t want to be too early.”

mornings + adolescence = misery

“Today was the worst day EVER. I was running late to the bus when I tried to use my pockets and figured out my pants were on backwards. I ran back home as fast as I could to fix them, but my shoelaces were a big knot and I couldn’t get them untied. I ran […]

somniloquy

“One of the gloves is spinning too fast. I hear it clicking.” “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I think you’re asleep.” “I’m not talking. It’s the gloves.” Either my child is a spy and I don’t understand her secret code or she’s experiencing Color Guard withdrawal. I’m going with spy. Spying is the new […]

movie day

My Mother, my daughters and I went to see Fantastic Beasts and we loved it. It’s sweet, funny and a teeny bit sad.

blech

Me: “Can we go a single day without discussions of boogers, pooting and various bodily fluids?” Them: “Nope.” “No.” “That’s never going to happen.”

horrors

“It’s asking if we want regular commercial breaks or a single four minute ad at the beginning.” “What? When did it start asking this? Why do we have to make decisions that don’t matter?” “It started doing that now. This is a no-brainer. Let’s get the commercial out of the way. It’s a no-lose scenario.” […]

parenting mistakes

“Go empty your bladder. You’ve had way too much apple juice.” “Bladder?” “The balloon full of pee that’s inside of you.” < - Child looks at balloon floating on ceiling and a slow motion smile creeps across his face. ->

condiment priority

“We have chicken nuggets almost every day at the middle school.” “Sweet! I can’t wait for middle school. Wait. Do you have bbq sauce?” “No. We only have ketchup.” “Am I allowed to bring my own bbq sauce?” “Sure.” “Excellent.” Dear Middle School, Please allow my child to carry a bottle of bbq sauce in […]

my life is booby trapped

The very best time to realize that the children used all the conditioner and refilled the empty bottle with water is when you are still blinking from rinsing shampoo out of your eye. Then, you get to listen to the very limited hot water pointlessly pouring down the shower drain while sit on the bathroom […]