It’s the time of year when I bemoan the schools switching from sales of heavy weight gift wrap for fundraisers to stupid coupon books, coupon magazines, coupon cards and BUY OUR STUFF TO BUY MORE STUFF fundraisers. Since I can’t get wrapping paper delivered by school children, I have to buy a few rolls in the stores. When you buy gift wrap in the store, you have to carry all of your purchases and the awkwardly long rolls of gift wrap while wearing a bulky winter coat. There are very few options for accomplishing this skill that invariably results in looking like you are doing a Jerry Lewis homage.

1. The I’m going skeet shooting unless I trip on a branch and shoot myself in the foot carry:

This works until it suddenly doesn’t work because the rolls of paper slid out of your hand and scattered all over the mall floor where someone’s grandma is going to trip and break a hip.

2. The over the shoulder care-free carry:

This one is great if you’re eight feet tall. Otherwise, you’re going to thwack everyone who walks past you.

3. The “I took a baton class in third grade” carry:

You’re going to twirl it. The victims will be bruised and angry.

4. The load of firewood carry:

Unlike real firewood that breaks your toe when it falls, gift wrap tubes will only trip you and cause the breakage of your nose.

If I order gift wrap online, am I responsible for injuries incurred by the people attempting to deliver it?