It’s not lucky being green

She: “Why is there a giant dead grasshopper in my laundry?” He: “Um, grasshoppers are lucky?” She: “It’s dead.” He: “Lucky for you, not the grasshopper.”

wise man

Him: “Why are there wine corks in the houseplants?” Her: “I saw it on Pinterest and blah-blah-blah…” Him:

slap some paint on it

She: “Why did you paint the wall with the door and trim paint?” He: “I thought it would look lighter after it was dry.” She: “Didn’t the high-gloss make you suspect that you were using the wrong can of paint?” He: “Shut up.”

plus or minus 24 hours

Actual phone conversation: Her: “I seriously need to finish the crafting and shopping today.” Him: “Why? Christmas isn’t until Wednesday.” Her: Her: “Christmas is Tuesday.” Him: “No, it’s not. Stop messing with me…” Him: Him: I seriously need to start my shopping today.”

not my-niscus, his-niscus

Thursday, Doug’s knee decided to attempt mutiny. He took an old pain killer from the fingertip removal incident. The night was like a bad comedy routine. “It hurts when I do this.” “Don’t do this.” Doug couldn’t go twenty minutes without moving and every time he moved, he reflexively yelped from the pain. “Augh!” “Please […]

he and she: group version

Females at the table: “We spent forever assembling it and she took it apart in minutes.” “He wants a $150. model that will end up a pile of pieces in the giant bucket of pieces he already owns.” Every male at the table: “They are Legos. You are SUPPOSED to take them apart.”

husband babelfish

What she said: “What are you doing over there?” What he said: “You don’t want to know.” What he meant: Catching a creepy bug before you see it and freak.