Kindergarten homework is not compatible with online media users. Maybe I could use some old magazines from a nursing home. “A is for arthritis.” Or a doctor’s office. “A is for Aleve.” My mother works for Waste Connections, but they aren’t allowed to take anything from the trash because that would be stealing. Magazines from the trash would probably be covered in coffee grounds and eggshells anyway. We could just print pictures for the alphabet pages, but that takes away from the purpose of the assignment. Maybe I should sign up for one of those sneaky “free trial” subscriptions and then return the two hundred subscription canceled cards before I am billed for the rest of the subscription. Some clever parent should offer a free magazine to the parents of kindergarteners with the promise that all the letters of the alphabet will have nouns pictured in the ads somewhere in the magazine. “A is for clever advertising.”