After we put the new to us mattress set in our bedroom, I put our old mattress on the living room floor for a few days. I thought it would get put out for the garbage collectors after one of the ‘watch movies and play games until you collapse’ events that my children call sleepovers. Instead, it became the place to build with Legos, have army men battles, hold picnics for stuffed animals, play blanket design Twister (“right foot, Yoda’s head”) AND giggle until you fall asleep at night. Every day, there was a new kind of play on the mattress. It looked like such fun that I tried to join in on the happiness. I sat down on the mattress and watched to see how each child’s mind worked. Evan would flop his head on me as if I were his personal pillow and… I fell asleep. I could not sit on that mattress without dozing off and making drool designs on the pillows.

After every accidental nap, I threatened to put the mattress on the curb. The children plead for a stay of mattress execution and I reluctantly agree to one more day.

More than a week later, I now treat the mattress as though it were the lava that the children claim is the floor all around the mattress. I glare at the mattress. The children look at me with Keane painting eyes. The mattress cackles with evil.

Your time is running out evil nap trap. You and your evil time sucking sleep hypnosis are not going to win. You are going to the curb with all the other trash on Monday. Just to make sure that it happens, I am avoiding eye contact with the children, even when they are on the mattress, sticking their feet in each other’s face and laughing as they yell “smell my cooties!”