Dear Doug,

It’s been a few years since I left you to solo parent, so here are a few things to remember while I’m away for the weekend.

Boogie wipes are not an acceptable alternative to bathing.

The children require food more than once a day.

If SuperTween’s outfit causes you to raise an eyebrow, make her change clothes. She can wear whatever she wants when she goes to college.

If you allow SuperTween to watch regular tv, she will text 800 numbers to your phone. “It does all kinds of cool stuff, Mom.” Turn the tv off and send her outside to play.

Whenever the children come inside after playing outside, send them back out to collect the clothing that they forgot.

If you hear the dog’s tags clanging on the water bowl, the bowl is empty. Fill the bowl. With water.

The dogs/cats require food daily. Feed them.

Confiscate electronics at bedtime.

The youngest children singing after bedtime is cute, but they are the opposite of cute if they don’t get a good night’s sleep. Do not try to wait them out. You will fall asleep long before they stop singing. Ask them to sing inside their heads.

If you do laundry, please do not run the washer with only one item in it. It is a waste of water, electricity and detergent. The laundry is already sorted in baskets beside the washer. Fill the machine.

A few special reminders just for you:

1. No ladders. Remember the mangled ladder and the frightened neighbors?
2. No power tools. Remember the finger?
3. Do not buy paint. Remember the infant poop yellow?
4. Do not paint. Remember the bedroom closet?
5. No new projects. Don’t ‘six degrees’ a new project to an existing project either.

When in doubt, call me first. I will be in Nashville, not another country.

3 thoughts on “Dear Doug,

  1. I would urge Doug to do what any other red-blooded American husband/father would do in such circumstances – sit around the house all weekend while Mom is away, and watch TV/play video games with the kids/eat. No working outside, that’s what you do to escape. Enjoy the free time!

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