Please stop using good songs for commercials. Are ‘The Who’ really that badly in need of money? Peter Gabriel? Can’t you use up the one hit wonders before you start in on the classics?

I had one last entry in the Smoky Mountains facts contest. Maxs’ Mind Warp reports: according to the East Tennessee History Book of Blountville TN. Jr. High School, there are absolutely no poisonous water snakes of any kind native to Tennessee! However in reality, when considering the migration of different species of animals and reptiles it can’t be ruled out their need to adapt due to accidental relocation by violent storms, and the narrowing of their natural habitat by humans. So…, YES there are poisonous snakes within the state boundries here and there, (mostly southern Tenessee), and NO they’re not “native” to the state.

Also………, According to scientists, the Great Smoky Mountains, the Appalachain Mountains, and the Caskil Mountains were originally part of a series of huge glaciers…, broken apart after the Ice Age, leaving the many mountains and lakes we see today. There’s also a theory to explain why all the natural rock beds (regardless of type or mountain range) in the Eastern United States within those same general areas are all at a severe slante. As the ice of large underground lakes melted to a liquid before the ice melted above, the weight of the towering ice caused a series of massive kraters to form as the roof of the underground caverns collapsed. This natural occurance over time caused many of the well known caverns, such as Lurray Caverns, The Lost Sea, Cudjo Caverns, Bristol Caverns, Dixie Caverns, etc., etc. I’m not saying I necessarily believe all of them were created in such a fashion, but it does seem to make sense.

With his name added to the scraps of paper, Amy pulled out one and handed it to me before dumping the others all over the floor. Despite the tiny number of entries, she made a pretty good mess. The winner of a copy of “Scavenger Hike Adventures in the Great Smoky Mountains” is Countertop. I guess he can use it as a guide to create D.C. scavenger hunts. Maybe 5 points for helping a tourist take a picture and 10 bonus points for making it through a security checkpoint without being strip searched. You’ll have to send him your suggestions. Congratulations Countertop. I’ll have a new contest in the spring that is less regional in nature and prize. Let me know if you have any ideas.

My life is not the carefully manipulated plots that Christoff wrote for Truman. I live in Roger Rabbit’s ToonTown. When I drive the car with the broken fuel line around town I can practically see the long Wiley Coyote fuse racing to catch up with the car. When I get the tree half-way lit and a fuse blows I can hear the laugh track. When I hear Doug’s broken muffler Jeep three blocks away I see the cartoon smoke trail. Some days it’s hard to see the humor because there’s a giant anvil on top of me but I’m sure this will be funny in retrospect. I wouldn’t mind enjoying the joke instead of being the object of the joke once in a while.

Sarah asked me to mail a letter but I’m a bad Mommy, so I read it instead.

Dear Santa,
I have been very good this year. I baby-sit my sister all the time and I do all my homework. There are 2 really special things I want this year and I know they’re hard to get: a cell phone & a boyfriend.
Sincerely,
Sarah
age 11

P.S.
About the boyfriend: I am in middle school, so I know that I am old enough for a boyfriend to go to the dances with.

Isn’t that sad? I wouldn’t go through the teen years again for anything. If I could, I’d bribe some middle schooler into dancing one dance with her next week.

Thanks to everyone in Tommy’s fan club’s help, we have his Christmas present! You guys are the best!

Noah had to have some dental work today and when I returned him to school his mouth was still bleeding (Von Willebrands). I would like to have brought him home to let him heal but quite honestly I’m afraid to let my children stay home. Last week we got a note from the school system complaining about Tommy’s constant early dismissals. The note explained that Tommy owed many hours that would have to be made up before and after school hours. It also made a vague threat that if this early dismissal continued we would be called before the Knox County Juvenile Court judge who handles truancy cases. Tommy has all those early dismissals because the school called me to come pick him up! So, when they call again this week do I refuse to pick him up and risk them having him taken to Juvenile Court because he is out of control?

I need your help. I ignored something when it was on the store shelves last week because I didn’t have the money and now it is gone from not just the store shelves, but the online stores. If anyone knows where I can order a Nintendo DS that will arrive before Christmas, PLEASE let me know. Tommy likes eating, sleeping and playing games so we don’t have a lot of ideas for something fun for his gift. This is something that can stay with him even if he ends up going away for a while. I will be watching my e-mail closely so I can act quickly if anyone finds a store that promises Christmas delivery. Thank you for your help!

Remember when the only cartoons were on Saturday mornings and they were the best shows in the world? Do you remember Captain Kangaroo? Bozo? Electric Company? 

Once upon a time there was a mother. The mother was very distressed about the laundry pile that grew bigger no matter how hard she tried to make it smaller. The added stress of constant dirty dishes and general household disarray compounded by parenting, holiday decorating, crafting and shopping on a shoestring made the once semi-intelligent, college educated mother completely unable to think of a short story to tell in her blog. So the mother typed some pointless drivel and set out to run her errands, hopeful that something, somewhere would trigger a memory worth blogging.

The night before Thanksgiving my mother stayed up late cooking. Thanksgiving morning she got up early to finish the cooking and then she and my father took Noah to pick up my grandmother from the nursing home. Every time she plans on taking her mother out for something, a melodrama ensues that usually ends with my grandmother in the hospital. People with Alzheimers are similar to people with Autism in their need for routines. So, my grandmother is sitting and ready to go when my mother instructs Noah to go hug his great-grandmother. Noah is the sweetest little boy in the world, but the only thing Noah likes less than visiting his great-grandmother is having to hug her. As he stepped toward her and she stood up to hug him, she lost her balance and fell over backwards. Blood gushed everywhere as head wounds usually do but this was even better because of the blood thinners that my grandmother takes regularly. Noah recoiled in horror, my mother went into hysteria mode and an ambulance was summoned. My mother spent the day at the hospital while my grandmother got 7 stitches and dozens of tests to make sure nothing else was injured. My mother ate her Thanksgiving dinner more than 24 hours after she started cooking it and Noah will probably never hug anyone again.

Wednesday a tree fell down and blocked off our cove. I called Tommy’s bus driver and told him it would be okay to let Tommy walk home from the cove entrance. Apparently I wasn’t specific enough. The bus driver stopped and said “You’re on your own.” Tommy hopped off the bus and immediately crawled under the tree with utility lines wrapped around its’ fallen branches. “I didn’t touch the tree.” Next time I’ll have to tell the driver to remind Tommy to walk around the tree.