Shortly after Amy was born, someone asked me where I worked and I replied that I was a stay home Mom. They replied, “Then WHY did you bother going to college?” Reading Chaucer didn’t prepare me for reading “Green Eggs and Ham” 6 times in a row. College algebra didn’t prepare me for middle school math. “My teacher says we hafta do it like this.” “Well, your teacher is a moron.” Majoring in psychology didn’t prepare me for the elementary PTA muffia. College prepared me to deal with drunks and that is a large part of parenting. Children and drunks both empty the contents of their stomach anywhere and at any time. Recognizing the signs of impending hurl and cleaning up the aftermath is a part of all parents’ lives. You may not admit it, but you know you’ve stuck your hand out to ‘catch it’ when you saw that look in your child’s eyes. A beligerant drunk is pretty much an ornery preschooler. The conversations may be slightly different, but the logic is the same. Try taking a sleeping child to the bathroom in the middle of the night to prevent a wet bed and it’s EXACTLY like talking a drunk into going someplace, wrestling and weightlifting included. That hungover roomate who you managed to get up and directed toward class is now your teenager who has 5 minutes before his bus arrives. Drunks and children leave a huge, inexplicable mess everywhere they go. You did a lot for that drunk friend and you would do it all again, but sometimes they really made you angry. You love your children, but sometimes, you just don’t understand what they were thinking. “Why did you put the roll of toilet paper in the dog’s water?”Â I went to college to learn how to deal with drunks and those that resemble them without alcohol.