Dear spider,

Our yard is a very nice place for you to live. You can choose from a variety of trees and brush. There is waterfront property and lots of cool rocks to hide between. We don’t poison your area with chemicals or pesticides and Doug occasionally throws apple cores, melon rinds and similar treats out for you. So, why oh why do you keep coming into the house? You make the children scream and cry and give me the creeps. Please stay outside. I will take photographs of your webwork and show them to the Internet if you’ll just stay outside. To be bluntly honest, I don’t like you very much and I wish you death when you come in the house, so, for your own safety, STAY OUT!


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