I called my mother to ask her if she was participating in her neighborhood’s Night Out activities. She replied that she had gotten a few notes in her mailbox about it, but thought it seemed like an invitation for burglaries if everyone in the neighborhood was off having a party somewhere. Then she changed her tone and asked how I knew about it. I told her I *read it in the paper.

Everyone else in my parents’ neighborhood will be gathering tonight. My parents will be sitting on their rooftop with enough firearms and ammunition for the zombie apocalypse.

*When I say I read it in the paper, you can be 100% certain that I mean I read it on the newspaper’s website.