After seeing the umpteenth car with reindeer antlers, I suggested that we Griswald our van with an old, ratty, artificial tree. What Doug heard me say, was “Decorate the car for the crazy wife.” What he should have heard, was “Let’s weigh down the mileage on the car with bald tires and broken tie rods.” A three dollar yard sale tree was quickly found and attached to the top of the van.

The first problem was the unexpected monsoon winds that wreaked havoc for 2 days in Knoxville. Trees down, power outages and reports of holiday decorations flying through the air should have been a warning that the tree was a bad idea. Instead, we realized there was a problem when a 40 mph gust hit the van while it was flying down the Interstate. If driving the van that day was anything like navigating a sailboat in an ocean storm, I think I’ll stay on land. I apologize to all the other drivers on the road who couldn’t understand why I was driving so slow on one of Knoxville’s raceways. If I had gone the usual speed, you would have had a tree on your windshield or I would have been in a floating car. Neither would have ended well.

The second problem was that I am not very bright. The proof of this is that while taking Amy to an eye doctor appointment, I haplessly pulled into a parking garage. Immediately, I wondered what was causing the strange noise. As quickly as I asked myself the source of the noise, I realized that everyone else in the garage was staring at me. I was making the noise. Well, not me personally, but the tree on top of the van that was dragging on every single support beam. It was too late to escape the garage, so I parked as quickly as I could and checked the tree for damage. None. That u-g-l-y tree was still firmly attached to the car.

Although I am now hyper sensitive to the weather, car’s speed and overhead clearance, I do enjoy not having to make a mental note of my chosen parking space. That tree on top of the van is more effective than any antennae topper.