Dear Little River tubers,

I would like to apologize to everyone who was forever traumatized by the sight of me flipping backwards from my tube yesterday. Actually, the pasty white, overweight, middle aged lady flipping was probably hilarious to watch. The horrible sight of me standing up afterwards, however, almost certainly made you drop your ziploc baggies of cigarettes, even as your lit cigarettes fell in the water with your dropped jaws. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have had both hands on my skull, searching for a gaping wound from the rock that met my head under the water. I shouldn’t have then leaned forward to clumsily dig out the small bits of rock that were embedded in my shin.

Instead, I should have realized that all of this reaching up and bending over was only exaggerating the fact that not only was the little skirted swim bottom which I pretend hides my elephantish thighs now flipped up to my waist, but the actual swim bottom was completely tucked inside the folds of my mammoth bum. Yes, I mooned everyone behind me on the river.

I am truly sorry for inflicting this damage to your collective psyche. If I go tubing again, I will wear a footed onesie or something similar to reveal less of the unseeable. While my shame may have escaped being captured forever because of the absence of expensive waterproof cameras, I fully expect someone to replicate it in their amateur horror movie.

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