Housesitter Instructions – Pets

Each dog gets a scoop of food twice a day. The scoop is inside the dog food bucket. The old dog likes to have company when she eats. Make sure she doesn’t steal the cat food when she is done with her food. The neurotic dog has to eat in private. If she hears a […]

no onions

Every extended family gathering: “You won’t die from an allergic reaction if you eat an onion, will you?” “No. I will vomit though.” “Great! You can eat around them.” Followed by: “Hey Cathy, want more onions? Ha-Ha!” And: “I put extra onions it, just for Cathy. Hee-Hee!” Making me physically ill is great and hilarious… […]


Sawyer: “Why did he say cooked goose?” Supertween: “It’s an idiom. He’s saying he’s in trouble and doesn’t want to get eaten. Did you know that some people eat geese?” Sawyer: “Oh, I know. I only eat pig. Sometimes I eat cow, but mostly I eat pig.”

Food Brain

Several months ago, someone used my credit card to do some online shopping. I wanted to figure out how it happened so that I wouldn’t repeat whatever allowed the theft to occur. I found it extremely frustrating that neither the bank nor the online retailer would tell me the address of the recipient of the […]

Dear advertisers,

Please stop anthropomorphizing food. It does not make food more appealing. You have single-handedly taken all the fun out of many foods that were delicious BEFORE your genius advertising campaign. If you want people to eat your food: 1. Don’t give food a face. 2. Don’t give food a voice. 3. Don’t give food a […]

being literal

“Evan! What are you doing?” “Spitting out my watermelon seeds.” “Why are you spitting them on the living room floor?” “Dad told me not to swallow them.”

Food – present

Someone needs to develop an app that predicts reactions to specific recipe ingredients. “Vegans will weep.” “Diabetics will need insulin if they look at it.” “Why do you hate people with peanut allergies?”

food – past

Decoration Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day and Christmas memories from my childhood are connected to the extended family gatherings that happened with each holiday.It didn’t matter if it was at my great-grandparents’ house in Natchez Trace, the nearby State Park or my Great-Uncle’s in Martin, the event was about people and food. Relatives who […]

next time, I’m wearing a clown nose

I spent almost an hour casually strolling the aisles of the grocery store. I marveled at the varieties of something as simple as milk. I looked at new products that may or may not have been food. I studied the changes in packaging and the subtle reduction of quantity in each and every prepackaged food […]

leaving them to starve

As a rule, I try to always be at *home on school nights and be a part of the evening routines. As frantic as the evenings are, I can’t imagine not getting to tuck my children in bed at night. It’s probably much more important to me than it is to them. Don’t tell the […]