We speak “married”

She: “We should go to that place near the lamp store where you didn’t buy shades.” He: “The Professor from War Games moved to that spot. The place you’re thinking of is by the yoga bakery that you like.” She: “Oh, good. I’m ready to leave now.” He: “Lemme get my pocket stuff.”

not my-niscus, his-niscus

Thursday, Doug’s knee decided to attempt mutiny. He took an old pain killer from the fingertip removal incident. The night was like a bad comedy routine. “It hurts when I do this.” “Don’t do this.” Doug couldn’t go twenty minutes without moving and every time he moved, he reflexively yelped from the pain. “Augh!” “Please […]

stir crazy conversations

“Stop breathing in my face. I’ll suffocate from the used up air.” “Would you like me to sleep on the couch so that you can breathe unused air?” “We don’t have a couch. We have a love seat. We should fix that for when you won’t quit breathing in my face.” “Or when you are […]

Not seen in Highlights

Goofus wakes up at 11:30 a.m., sees his spouse cleaning the clutter in a child’s room and complains because nothing should ever be thrown in the trash. Gallant sleeps late on his only day off, gets up to find his spouse cleaning and silently vanishes until he has a salted caramel mocha for his spouse […]

Her vs Him: “Let’s go swimming.”

Her: Shave legs and armpits Scrub face, shoulders and back Collect swimsuits and beach towels for everyone in the family Retrieve mangled sunglasses from bucket of stuffed animals Gather pool toys, sunscreen and goggles Fill cooler with drinks and snacks Give dogs a full bowl of fresh water Him: Put on yesterday’s shorts and shirt […]

After a decade and children,

Love is… Cleaning the pukey sheets while your wife cleans the small child. Using baby talk when giving the dogs their medication. “Who wants a widdle gwu-co-sa-mine? Yes you do-o-o.” Walking in the door, seeing the look on your wife’s face and silently leaving the house only to return fifteen minutes later with chocolate raspberry […]

hugs, not words

I inflicted a non-romantic broken heart upon myself this week. In the grand scheme of things, the entire episode is unimportant to anyone but me. Brooding about this one small thing became a giant Katamari of drama that should be illegal if you are not a teenager. Despite being together forever and knowing each other […]

Smells like work

I spent the weekend painting doors. Taking doors off hinges, carrying them outside, sanding, priming, painting and rehanging until the sunlight was no longer available to guide my brush. When the children were tucked in bed and the morning outfits were neatly organized, I collapsed in bed. Doug sat with his laptop while I tapped […]

patch, patch, patch

Doug: “Look at all these updates for your ___! When’s the last time you updated?” Me: “I did a backup and update yesterday. Those patches appeared overnight.” Doug: “Oh. Never mind.” We repeat this conversation weekly.

bad foreplay

In no particular order and requiring no explanations, five actions that warrant the bad foreplay card: 1. punching partner in the face 2. noxious gas from any orifice 3. “I like this one best, because it’s bigger.” 4. “One of the animals threw up in the other room, but we’ll clean it up afterwards.” 5. […]