And lo, the mother dissolved the ban on snack chips and brought into the household a bag of pretzels and there was much rejoicing among the children. For the pretzels fill the stomach and leave no space for nutrition and this made the children glad. But, still I speak into thine ears and proclaim that if thine pretzels are consumed in lieu of actual food, they shall be the last bag in this abode for ages and ages. So sayeth the mother. Amen.

I started the day out by going to the completely wrong hospital and informing my parents that I would need to speak directly with their doctors from now on. “Oh, did I say Fort Sanders? I meant Fort Sanders Park West.” I still arrived at the hospital before the sun was up, before my mother was wheeled off and before my children were riding their yellow buses through the nastiest storm in ages. The nurse quizzed my mother on her medical history and talked about the upcoming procedure while my mother could only talk about her knees. “We’re focusing on your heart today Mom.” Then I spent the morning sitting in a clean little food-courtish cafeteria eating my cheap but tasty biscuit (so cheap we could afford to take our entire family there) and listenening to Joe Walsh on my Ipod while a doctor with no sense of humor poked things around in my mother’s heart. After the best possible news from the cardiologist about her heart but a word of caution (”She’s getting BOTH knees replaced at once?!? That’s gonna be unbelievably hard. Today will seem like a walk in the park.”), I came home to a new bruise on Amy’s face that was blamed on a cereal bowl and a small bump on Evan’s lip that nobody can explain. Noah got in trouble at school again for doodling and I need to visit the grocery and freak out the other customers. “Look at ALL those children.” Thank goodness we have a three day weekend. Without Boomsday to attend (It used to be free.), I can spend the weekend doing laundry, of course. Thanks for keeping an eye on Doug while I was out.

I will be spending most of tomorrow at the hospital with my mother because my father is a liar. No, that sounds wrong. My father is a good person who hears the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher whenever doctors talk. “Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa.” My father doesn’t lie. He glosses over the truth. According to my father, whenever the children are with him, they don’t cry or whine or spill or do anything but be perfect little angels. “Amy has temper tantrums? She doesn’t do that when she’s with me.” Regardless of my father’s flaws, I want to hear what the doctor has to say about the extent of damage that coronary artery disease has done to my mother’s body instead of my father telling me over the phone that “everything’s fine”. Anyway, the person I am worried about the most is Doug. Poor Doug will be spending the day alone with Amy and Evan. I am going to turn the camera on in the morning and if anyone sees the Lilliputians children tying up Gulliver Doug, please call for help. If he blogs hysterically, please remind him to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Hopefully I’ll be home before the children chew him up completely.

It’s been almost 4 months since Lucy left us. When it storms I feel melancholy instead of an urgent need to find and comfort my lightning fearing dog. Only occasionally do I look around, expecting her to still be here. It still tugs my heartstrings that Amy tells everyone she meets about Lucy. I thought she would have forgotten by now. Magazine man keeps making me cry and today my heart breaks for Fussy.

Last night I dragged Sarah to her school’s open house. “But Mutherr, this is so stew-pid. It’s gonna be, like, the same stuff as every year and I already know everything.” Mmmhmm. The evening began with a stern lecture from the principal about the really serious issues affecting young teens in this day and age. “There will be no un-natural hair colors in my school and I will not allow earrings anywhere but ears.” She then proceeded to explain that students don’t need musical devices because they “don’t have time to be listening to music” and did we know that they make hoodies and backpacks which encourage music listening? The horrors! While she lectured about cell phones being dangerous because “you just don’t know all the things that kids can do with cell phones nowadays”, a student seated nearby chatted away on hers and I continued a text chat about urgent family matters with Doug. “Evan likes tarter sauce. Hank the Cowdog or Eoin Colfer?” Each of the teachers was announced and the students’ applause-o-meter made it easy to know which teachers were the “cool” ones. The PTA made an appeal for more money while the principal bragged that they had been given a check for $10,000 just the previous day. We were excused to visit the classrooms where we could sign-up to “help out and donate supplies”. I said a quick hello to the vice-principal who is in charge of our children for 9 consecutive years before getting a brief respite to emotionally prepare for 6 more years of our family. I collected e-mail addresses for all of Sarah’s teachers and waited while she clicked a few photos. Not a bad evening entertainment-wise. Not as funny as the young Mommy at Amy’s church-run preschool who wears teeny shorts that say things like “Hotty” on the rear while her thong peeks out the top, but still worth attending. Based on the size of the audience in the auditorium, I would say that less than 20 percent of the middle school parents decided this was worth their time.

I told Amy it was time to do her homework and began searching for the “chunky” pencil that I had stashed away for this occasion. “Homework?!? Why do I always have to do homework? Homework is sooo boring!” After much drama that included holding her head in her hands, moaning and flailing arms (hers, not mine), she finally did her homework. She wrote her name, all three letters of it, three times. My expectations for a fun year of Kindergarten next year just dropped two notches lower.

Girl Scouts has become a constantly evolving organization. The most recent change was the announcement that the 314 councils will merge to become only 104 councils. This week the change in membership levels has been announced as:
grade K-1 will be Girl Scout Daisy
grade 2-3 will be Girl Scout Brownie
grade 4-5 will be Girl Scout Junior
grade 6-8 will be Girl Scout Cadette
grade 9-10 will be Girl Scout Senior
grade 11-12 will be Girl Scout Ambassador

However, the change that has caused the most severe reaction from leaders is the new uniform rules. Girl Scouts at each level will have one official uniform item (e.g. tunic, vest, sash) for the display of official pins and awards. This uniform item will be required when girls participate in ceremonies or officially represent the Girl Scout Movement.
• The official dress code will unite girls as Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts will wear solid white shirts and khaki pants or skirts with their official uniform item, which will be required when they participate in ceremonies or officially represent the Girl Scout Movement.
• The adult uniforms will be a scarf worn with the membership pins for women and a tie for men. The scarf/tie and membership pins will be worn with navy blue business attire.
• Girl Scouts at the Daisy and Brownie levels will continue to have a full uniform ensemble available.
• Girl Scouts in high school will also have a scarf, uniting them in the WAGGGS tradition.

Personally, I think that none of these changes really matter. The main problem that I have is with some of the girls’ parents. Since that is the same problem that Doug is having with Boy Scouts, I think it is a shift in our culture that may require completely different changes to scouting programs.

Tonight is one of four “open” houses that I attend this year. This will be my third open house at your school. I do not want to complain about the fact that your event should not be called an open house when it is such a long, structured event that it should be called parent night or orientation. I do want to ask that you please not waste your time or mine by having each and every teacher reading the class rules to the parents. We read those when our children brought them home the first day of class. I am well aware that many parents never read the papers their children bring home, but those parents don’t bother attending open house. They are “too busy”. Everyone at open house “makes” the time to read and attend and be involved. We are just as busy as the “too busy” parents. If you start reading the rules to me, I will get out my planner and work on my grocery list until you are done. I apologize in advance for my rudeness, but I should not be the target of your frustrations.

Cathy

Sweet, sticky baby
whose food was too fun to eat.
Mommy needs a bath.

Amy has homework to do for preschool. Will she be bringing home fundraiser materials that she has to sell door-to-door next?