Grandaddy says:

To family/friends: “The pain is terrible.”
To nurses: “I’m fine.”

“I don’t want you to be frightened by all the tubes and wires, but . . . I’m peeing right now.”

“That nurse has a funny accent. Does she have a green card?”

“I don’t want the nurses to help me. That’s your mother’s job.”

“Next time you visit, bring my gun. I don’t want to be unprotected.”

“Your mother may be my oldest child, but your Uncle is the eldest son, so he’s the executor of my estate and living will. Now, your mother can’t pull the plug on me.”

“Why does your mother keep telling the nurses to make me sleep?”

“Keep those male nurses away from me.”

“I’m so proud of you for doing the right thing and coming to America legally. It really is better here.”

“…and then she squished me to stick a tube in there.”
“When boys are toddlers, they deliberately squish it and it doesn’t hurt them.”
“Oh gross! How can you talk about that?”

“My friends told me that if I use my arms, I’ll feel this pain in my chest for the rest of my life. Fix my pillows again. You didn’t do it right last time.”

“The nurse said I can have sex again when I can climb two flights of stairs, but I’m going to find a woman who can carry me two flights instead. She can just do all the work.”

“Now, your mother gets to know what it was like for me when she had her knees replaced.” (fact check)

To 16-y-o grandchild: “The doctors just gave me ten years. Will I get to meet my great-grandchildren before I die?”

Noah: “Mom? Grandaddy asked me to bring him his gun so he can kill Granny.”
me: “What?!?”
Grandaddy: “Your mother didn’t give me my afternoon pain meds.”
me: “Do I need to drive over there or call 911?”
Granny: “Hello?”
me: “Dad asked Noah to get a gun so he can kill you.”
Granny: “WHAT?!?”
Grandaddy: “You didn’t give me my pain meds and made me suffer.”
Granny: “Your medicine is sorted and sitting on the kitchen counter.”
Grandaddy: “See? She isn’t taking care of me.”
Granny: “I’m so glad you’re feeling better.” <- /sarcasm ->
me: “I’m going to start forwarding these calls to your eldest son.”

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