how not to shop

After many weeks of listening to “I don’t have aaaaanything to wear” whines several times a day, I took the clothing-deprived complainer to a discount department store. Before we walked in the store, I asked what our focus would be. “I definitely need shoes. I also need pants and shirts. Oh, also socks and underwear.” […]

just like daddy

First night: “Why can’t I sleep nekkid like Daddy does sometimes?” Second night: “Can I just wear jammie bottoms and no shirt like Daddy wears?” Third night: “Doug, I need you to start wearing panties and a gown at night.”

big girl underoos

Since candy and education are so controversial (who knew?), let’s talk about the clothing that women wear under their clothes. It had been more than four years since I bought new under the clothes clothing for my bottom half. The situation was getting to the point that it would be very embarrassing if I was […]

dramatic pauses included

The 4-y-o dressed himself in his favorite jeans and his favorite shirt. He went through a series of odd poses as he studied the clothing on his tiny frame. “Mom?” “What?” “I . . . look . . . awesome.” “Yes, you do.” “I . . . am a cool dude.” We have entered the […]

not so deep thoughts

In the moment of stunned silence that I realized Noah outgrew the clothes that fit him a few days ago, I briefly visualized Noah as a large green Hulk in tiny, tattered clothing. I wonder if the misunderstood Hulk would have been so cranky if he hadn’t been stuck wearing Bruce Banner’s pants.

Dear future me,

I am writing this from ten years in the past, when Evan was only four. If future me is having a chat about Evan with his therapist or arresting officer, this date might be important. This is the date when I, err you, found all of Evan’s sisters’ underwear stashed on Evan’s little, crib-sized bed. […]

household math

SAT prep math problems of the day: If a bedroom closet is 5′ x 8′ and your clothing occupies 18 square inches of that space, what are the odds that a minor flood will get your clothing wet? Estimate the length of time that will elapse between a declaration that the laundry is done and […]

back to school

Tommy: “I own a pair of jeans and a bunch of t-shirts. Why would I need anything else?” Sarah: “I don’t need anything new. Except this. And this. And that.” Noah: “Uhh, what’s wrong with last year’s clothes?” Amy: “Okay, I really need this outfit and that outfit, but I hafta have earrings to match […]

I should just wear jammies

When people connect me with Doug, they always ask excitedly if I juggle. My answer that I can’t walk across the floor without tripping on my own two feet never fails to disappoint them. Their disappointment is nothing compared to how I feel about my Jerry Lewis coordination. Tonight, I had one of those extremely […]