Thursday, Doug’s knee decided to attempt mutiny. He took an old pain killer from the fingertip removal incident. The night was like a bad comedy routine. “It hurts when I do this.” “Don’t do this.” Doug couldn’t go twenty minutes without moving and every time he moved, he reflexively yelped from the pain. “Augh!” “Please […]
I’m not sure why lasik eye surgery correct bones or teeth seem so different than what is effectively an eye brace. It could be the fragility of an eye or maybe it’s the result of too many gross comic books that makes ocular orthopedics creepy. If the future of good vision is corrective eye braces […]
Dad: “Don’t forget you have a nurse appointment tomorrow.” Boy teen: “I do? Why?” Mom: “It’s just your HPV booster.” Dad: “Herpes or something.” Mom: “Cervical cancer.” Dad: “Do you have a cervix, son?” Boy teen: “Uh, I guess so.” Dad: “Really?” Boy teen: “Hang on. I’m googling it.” Dad: “You should do that?”
When my husband bought our teenaged son ONE Packtowl for a ten day camping trip, I doubted my husband, my son and the Packtowl. The towel is tiny, thin and stretchless. It feels like the Ultrasuede that my grandmother bought by the bolt to make pantsuits. It does not in any way resemble the giant, […]
When a scripted reality show brought in an anti-vaxer as the special celebrity guest for a family whose youngest child had tetanus, I complained. I didn’t complain about the show. I complained about the inclusion of someone who spreads disinformation. Instead of addressing my concerns, the local PR firm pulled the equivalent of Godwin’s Law. […]
Girls – At the first hint of digestive difficulties, girls stop eating to avoid vomit. They would rather sleep on the bathroom floor than have an accident in their bedroom. Girls will quietly play or watch a cartoon between naps. The first sign of recovery is the girl changing from pitiful to cranky. Even when […]
I have a trick knee. Sometimes, without warning, it just stops doing what I want it to do, as though a loose wire inside has disconnected the power. As quickly as it stops working, it starts back up again. Most of the time, the power returns in time to correct and instead of a fall, […]
Since I don’t know where to go for leeches, I think I’ll try some empty pen medical care. While Doug’s can be stabbed anywhere to relieve his ample blood pressure, mine will be jammed in my sinus windows that are making my face throb. What? You never saw the magical curative powers of writing implements […]
As my father groggily fought his way out of the sedation from the CABG surgery, he repeatedly asked which leg the doctor amputated. Everyone reassured him that his legs were still attached, but even as he became more lucid, he remained convinced that he was going to lose a leg. “It was just a dream. […]
To family/friends: “The pain is terrible.” To nurses: “I’m fine.” “I don’t want you to be frightened by all the tubes and wires, but . . . I’m peeing right now.” “That nurse has a funny accent. Does she have a green card?” “I don’t want the nurses to help me. That’s your mother’s job.” […]