He vs She – patience
She: “How did you get so many wonderfully curated Pandora stations? I wasted an entire day pushing songs up and down and I still can’t get an hour of good music.” He: “Only a day?”
Category: marriage
Deserving of a side eye
Doug: “Do you want to go out for Valentine’s Day? You know, like an actual date?” Me: “I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it.” Noah: “That’s good because, Dad and I scheduled a Boy Scout meeting for that night.”
After a decade and children,
Love is… Cleaning the pukey sheets while your wife cleans the small child. Using baby talk when giving the dogs their medication. “Who wants a widdle gwu-co-sa-mine? Yes you do-o-o.” Walking in the door, seeing the look on your wife’s face and silently leaving the house only to return fifteen minutes later with chocolate raspberry […]
hugs, not words
I inflicted a non-romantic broken heart upon myself this week. In the grand scheme of things, the entire episode is unimportant to anyone but me. Brooding about this one small thing became a giant Katamari of drama that should be illegal if you are not a teenager. Despite being together forever and knowing each other […]
bad foreplay
In no particular order and requiring no explanations, five actions that warrant the bad foreplay card: 1. punching partner in the face 2. noxious gas from any orifice 3. “I like this one best, because it’s bigger.” 4. “One of the animals threw up in the other room, but we’ll clean it up afterwards.” 5. […]
Today’s euphemism: adult time
Our beaker is extremely full. Adult time is so important that it should be a large rock. In reality, it is somewhere between gravel and sand. The boulders that take top priority don’t just make time something that we have to use whenever it is available, they complicate space availability. In other words, if we […]
talking to myself
Me: “The cat has a chipmunk in her mouth.” Doug: “What?” Me: “The cat has a chipmunk in her mouth.” Doug: “Where?” Me: “In the front yard.” Doug: “Why is Tommy chasing the cat?” Me: “He’s trying to get her to drop the chipmunk.” Doug walks outside and I go in the bathroom to scrape […]
propositioning the wrong person
The three youngest children were tucked safely in their beds, so I went hunting looking for Doug. I walked in our bedroom and heard rustling in the closet. I walked toward the closet and said in my very best Dr. Girlfriend voice, “We’ve got 15 minutes alone. Wanna fool around?” I reached the doorway as […]
The Redbox Loophole
Everything about Scientology bothers me, but nothing is quite as irritating as Tom Cruise. He and his cult are so annoying that I refuse to spend money to see any of his movies. Doug considers any movie involving helicopters, submarines or airplanes, a must-see movie. Helicopters, submarines or airplanes are featured prominently in most Tom […]
a day in the life
5/11 3:00 p.m. – Amy brings home a pile of disks filled with pictures that I agreed to compile into a montage for the First Graders’ end of the year celebration. Two of the teachers sent over 500 pictures each while one only sent about two dozen blurry pictures. My goal was a 10-15 minute […]